The Hunger Games

Seriously, it was either this or a Hungry, Hungry Hippos joke.

So, I know it's late, but I finally got to see the Hunger Games.

For those not familiar with the story, it involves a girl who has won the affections of two men, one a vampire and the other a werewolf. The hunger referred to in the title is a reference of the hunger for blood that the vampire constantly feels around her, as well as the hungry rage inside of the werewolf and the girl's hunger to fulfill the desire to be saved and be married and a good wife.

Okay. Actually, it's not that at all. Though considering the love triangle and the targeted teen audience, it very easily could have been. But let's all thank the director for not shitting all over the story and going in that direction.

Instead we have a story about a strong female lead, who risks herself in a sacrifice to protect her younger sister from the violent games which are held to amuse the powerful and keep the underclass in line. The games themselves are an allegory about a bloodlusting society and fruitless wars mixed with over-commercialization to the point where everything is done for the show and sponsors give aid to popular "characters" who are fighting for their life.

Honestly, I was a bit worried when I first started hearing about the movie because it came with an unexpected wave of popularity that made me leery of what might come from it. I read the book when it first came out and enjoyed it, but never read past the first one. However, with the surge of popularity that made it seem like the movie was destined for Nickelodeon Teen Choice award slimings and MTV Best Kiss awards, I didn't have my hopes up.

However, they ended up with a movie that ended up being rather solid. It covers the themes of the book well enough and even decides to build them subtlety. For example, the connection and relationship between Gale and Katniss wasn't slammed over our heads. Ultimately, this is good, as it leads us away from a more direct comparison to the Twilight series and being on Team Peeta and Team Gale. Also Haymitch's character was built a little more subtlety as well. I mean, it was obvious that he was a drunk at first, but as he became inspired by Katniss, there was no big obvious scenes in which he openly declares that he isn't getting drunk. Instead, there is just a subtle raising of his hand to stop a glass from being refilled. It's actually rather refreshing since most movies hammer in points over your head and think that the audience is stupid.

The movie portrays brutal violence of children against children, though for the most part it is not directly shown or glorified. I mean, it isn't exactly the level in which Toys masked violent scenes, but the only scene that really "glorified" it was one in which the announcers were wistfully reminiscing about former Games. This is, of course, to make a point. However, the violence is a bit less "controversial" than it could have been. For the most part, it is the older children committing it against the younger. But it still treads the water to test it for next year's upcoming "Ender's Game".

But anyhow, blah, blah, blah. Salient points and meaningful messages aside, the movie looked pretty. While the excess and luxury of the Capitol isn't how it is portrayed in the book, I actually think I rather like this interpretation of it better. The book had the excesses of the Capitol depicted as tattoos and body alterations so that some people were essentially cat people. Instead, I rather like the break from the more typical sci-fi approach and the presentation of the Capitol's excesses being a sort of old French Pompadour approach. It still portrayed the differences between the sparse and meager means of the outlying Districts and the Capital, but did so in an interesting visual way.

 On the whole, I don't have many negatives to say about the movie. The ending is a bit abrupt and things are just sort of over. But overall, the movie is a solid adaptation of the book and quite enjoyable. Perhaps not quite worthy of the level of hype that it has, but then again, I'd rather a character like Katniss, whose choices are deep and powerful, have it over a character like Bella, whose choices are essentially which monster she'd rather wait until she was married to fuck.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in a Q&A form. I'll ask her a question and transcribe her responses to the best of my ability and format it afterward.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think about the Hunger Games?

Molly: I liked it.

Chuckie: What did you like about it?

Molly: Since it was--since I never watched it and since I like surprises like that.

Chuckie: What was surprising about the movie then?

Molly: Well, since I never watched it and I didn't know what it was like, except for some parts that I watched in a commercial. Except the part where they got ready to fight, I watched that on a commercial so that didn't surprise me at all.

Chuckie: Yes, but what did--

Molly: I was expecting it, Daddy.

Chuckie: Okay, fair enough. But what did you like about the movie itself besides the surprise factor?

Molly: Um, since, um, that girl who was being mean before started being nice to people and had friends.

Chuckie: Wait, did we see the same movie? Who are you talking about?

Molly: Katniss.

Chuckie: Oh. Okay. I guess that's fitting. So, the movie was all about Katniss learning to be nicer to make more friends?

Molly: Yes, instead of being mean and lonely.

Chuckie: What about all of the people that died though?

Molly: That part was sad. But that happens, Daddy. And she still made new friends.

Chuckie: Okay, so who were her new friends in the movie?

Molly: Um, I don't know their names. There was the girl who was little who had black hair...

Chuckie: Rue?

Molly: Yeah. And the boy who... um, I have nothing to explain him. But the boy who helped her and they helped each other.

Chuckie: Peeta?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: So, all of the tributes and fighting and killing for bloodsport and for show was all just backdrop for Katniss learning to be a nicer person and make new friends?

Molly: And to teach the other people.

Chuckie: Teach them what?

Molly: To be nice.

Chuckie: Pixie, you do realize that everyone was trying to kill everyone else, right?

Molly: Yes. But only good friends won, so it was best to try to learn how to make good friends.

Chuckie: Okay. So, tell me what happened in the movie?

Molly: Um, they taught a lesson to the other people. Since they were teaching a lesson, well, a bad lesson, to fight back at other people. Like let's say like if my cat scratched me and I fought back at her, so I would like punch her and it's like you're in that place where like, like, like you try and win. Like, it's like, well, the audience watched and, well, it gets harder and harder and well, they try and win and, well, like the people try to fight each other. So, um, that's what it's kind of like.

Chuckie: Um. Wow.

Molly: I'd punch Opoly, since you don't like Opoly.

Chuckie: Thanks for that, Pixie. I'm not sure if that exactly answers what happened in the movie though.

Molly: Oh. Um. They helped each other. Do you know when I said that she... um... nevermind. Um, she helped people when they got hurt.

Chuckie: Okay. True. But did she fight?

Molly: Um, actually, I don't think so. Wait! She shot one person with a bow and arrow.

Chuckie: Okay. So, why was it that everyone was gathered together there to fight one another?

Molly: Wait. Like on those stools?

Chuckie: Mm-hm.

Molly: Since then it would, like, so they could see what the places were, so they could look around and see what to do and they would gather up the people so then they could think that it would get harder and that that group could like gather up so that they could make friends and have a plan.

Chuckie: Okay. Wow. I really think we both approached this movie from a different interpretation of the message.

Molly: Oh, Daddy, and I know another part!

Chuckie: What?

Molly: Um, since the other people that were like... the camera people, I think... they made it harder for them so that almost all of them could die.

Chuckie: Yes, that's true. Why did the camera men do that though?

Molly: So then, like, there could only be one champion.

Chuckie: Yes, that's true too. But why were the camera men trying to make it so that more of them would die? Do you know why they were doing all of that fighting?

Molly: Um, I don't know what you mean.

Chuckie: Do you think that the camera men were trying to put on a show to appease the bloodlust and show the power of the capitol while still beating down the districts with only the sliver of hope as a possible reward?

Molly: Um, maybe?

Chuckie: Do you think that the message of youth fighting to satisfy a power and blood hungry populace is really just an allegory to modern aspects of fruitless war?

Molly: Um, fruit? What does fruit need to do with this?

Chuckie: Um, fruitless. In this case war that bears no reward.

Molly: What does bears need to do with this?

Chuckie: Um. Bears. In this case war that has no reward.

Molly: Yeah. A little bit.

Chuckie: Okay, so, how would you rate this movie?

Molly: Um. Stars.

Chuckie: Okay. How many stars would you give this movie?

Molly: Um, two.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Out of three.

Chuckie: That's it? Just stars this time?

Molly: No, I also want to give it a reward.

Chuckie: What kind of reward?

Molly: Um, a gold one. Wait, what color is gold?

Chuckie: It's, uh, kind of gold.

Molly: Okay.

Chuckie: So what kind of gold reward are giving the movie?

Molly: Two hundred.

Chuckie: Two hundred what exactly?

Molly: Two hundred and one.

Chuckie: But two hundred and one what?

Molly: Rewards.

Chuckie: Okay. Is that out of something?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: It just gets two out of three stars and two hundred and one rewards?

Molly: Gold rewards.

Chuckie: Okay. So, who do you think would like this movie?

Molly: Um, let's see. Edison, Grandmom and Pop Pop. Grammy and Pappy. Mike. And Kat. And Craig and Lindsey. Maybe their baby would, but I don't know. It might cry when the little girl got killed because it's just a baby.

Chuckie: I meant more of an age group or demographic.

Molly: Then Isaac and Jo. And Mommy and you as well. And me.

Chuckie: Fine. Why do you think they would like it?

Molly: Since it's like a movie for that age.

Chuckie: Your range runs from premature newborn to grandparents in their sixties, Sweetie.

Molly: They'd still like it.

Chuckie: Pixie, were you sad when the little girl with the back hair, Rue, died? I thought that you were crying then.

Molly: I wasn't crying.

Chuckie: You were wiping your eyes.

Molly: That's because I hadn't blinked since the movie started and so that's why I had some tears in there.

Chuckie: Fair enough, Sweetie. Is there anything else that you'd like to say about the movie?

Molly: If people watch the movie people will learn that if you fight with somebody, they'd probably fight back, so it's better to be nice to people instead.

So, that's our review. I'm still not quite sure that Molly saw the same movie as I did, but she still seemed to enjoy it. She was also surprisingly not bored throughout the movie, which does take a bit of time to set up some of the pace and plot at points. And apparently the death of Rue wasn't quite as sad as the death of the Ewok in Return of the Jedi.

I liked the movie. Having read the book first, I thought that I would have been more upset at the changes or omissions that were in the movie, but honestly, it was a solid enough translation for me. I suppose the hounds were a bit disappointing. In the book, they had an emotional impact as well by carrying the DNA of the dead tributes in them. However, in the movie, they were just generic wild dogs. But overall, I have little complaints about the movie and while it still feels just a little light of being epic, it is still a good watch. And, truth be told, I wouldn't mind watching it again just to see the who introduction of the "Girl on Fire" sequence again. It was really good watching.

Molly gives it two out of three stars and two hundred and one gold rewards. She viewed the movie, not as an allegory to societal collapse for a culture who bathes in reality television and has grown apathetic toward the outrage of sending our youth to pointless wars, but rather as a primer on why it is important to be nice and make friends.

I wish I was five again.

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

See? Ewoks cannot be all bad if their spin-off material can produce something like this.

Oh wait. Nevermind. Their spin-off material also produced this.

Alright, so in our review of Empire, I mentioned that I thought it was the weakest of the original trilogy and then went to point out what I thought were pacing and story flaws with the movie. That was the easy job. Since I think Empire is the weakest, that means I think that Return of the Jedi is better than it, which leaves me with a much more difficult task in this review: Defending Ewoks. I will get to that later. First of all, let me point out a couple of this movie's strengths:

Death Star:

Now, while some people may think that it is rather lame to reuse something like this in a later movie, I have to point out that the fact that the Empire built another Death Star excited me like no other movie. This isn't because I am a Death Star fanboy. Sure, it's neat and all, but that was no reason for my childhood excitement at seeing it rebuilt.

You see, I spent a LOT of my childhood watching cartoon serials and pseudo-serials like Voltron and being filled with remarkable levels or ire and rage at the bad guys. King Zarkon or Prince Lotor would create this incredible Robeast infused with all kinds of special power and implement a huge plan of attack. Voltron would be virtually defeated, laying in near ruins with victory just a breath away from the villains. Then something random or unlikely would occur, like a random mouse chewing on wiring, and the plan would fail at the last moment and Voltron would barely be able to beat back the bad guys. Then next week, Zarkon and Lotor would just come up with some completely new line of attack, but WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS?!?! You were so goddamned close to winning and something so randomly arbitrary occurred and stopped you. Obviously your plan was good. Fucking hit them with the same thing again. This time, if there doesn't happened to be a fucking eclipse during your attack, you'll win. Don't just toss a plan aside that had the only defenses of the good guys shattered and nearly destroyed.

This all or nothing approach of villain plans drove me crazy. Seriously, you were SO FUCKING CLOSE to winning! So, when the Imperial Forces decided to rebuilt the Death Star, I didn't roll my eyes and say, "Seen it." No. I fucking felt vindicated for every schmuck of a villain I had seen before. The Empire said, "Fuck this. This was a fucking awesome plan that got fucked up in such a random way. Let's fucking fix that problem and build a better Death Star. I mean, Christ, we blew up Alderaan. An entire fucking planet! Billions of people. For shit's sake, that was such a good plan, we'll just patch up our ventilation port and fuck shit up again."

So seeing the rebuilt Death Star vindicated my outrage at every single plan gone wrong in every single cartoon serial I watched as a kid. Even fucking Wile E. Coyote came close some times and just needed to learn from his fucking mistake and alter the plans that came closest. This coolness factor is able to cancel out the cuteness of at least ten Ewoks.

Darkness:

The Ewoks tend to distract people from the fact that Return of the Jedi is a dark, dark movie. I mean, forget about the obvious themes of corruption, patricide and the realization that the last two movies were full of incest, there is a lot there. The entire Jabba's Palace opening has Jabba's lustful molestation and near rape of a Twi'lek who was then murdered for his amusement after her refusal to accept his advances. Leia is later captured and turned into what will eventually be a sex slave for Jabba, who then is choked to death by her. Think about that scene. This isn't some glib blaster shot and someone falling down. She wrapped a chain around his neck and struggled with all her might as Jabba's tongue flapped out helpless as he took his last breath. Not saying he didn't deserve it, but that's a rather dark death. Strangling someone fully on camera who is desperately trying to breathe one more breath is dark enough to cancel out at least two dozen Ewoks.

But then the entire confrontation scene between Luke and Vader with the Emperor overseeing is actually a very dark scene as well. Seriously, watch it again and you'll realize how dark it is. It goes beyond a simple corruption scene. The Emperor gloats about how everything Luke holds dear is going to die around him, taunting him to attack him in anger. Luke resists at first, because his plan is to confront Vader for that resolution and self-testing that he needs, even though he realizes that he will die on the Death Star as his friends complete their plan. He just needs to prove to himself that he is worthy, even though he will die. However, the thing about the taunting is that it works.

Luke eventually gives into hate and draws his weapon. Luke stops himself and decides not to fight and hold off. Then Vader senses that he has a sister and that he can pervert her to darkness instead. So, Luke, angered and  vengeful, attacks Vader. Here he strikes wildly and full of anger and rage. He gives into the darkness and it is stronger in him because it is this anger and rage that lets him finally beat Vader. He cuts off his hand and leaves him near death and realizes that he has become the evil that consumed his father... He has reversed roles with him and he has become the rage-filled force standing over the wounded, handless, weaponless and undefended man, capable of striking him down.

That's some dark shit as well. That's worth canceling out at least another two dozen Ewoks' cuteness.

Now, this isn't to say that there aren't problems with Jedi, but they are mostly minor ones that are understandable from a story-telling standpoint. For example, why the fuck would you want to take a ship as big as the Millennium Falcon inside the Death Star instead of the smaller, more agile fighters? For no reason other than the audience feels a connection to the ship and it is almost a character in and of itself and would be disappointed if it somehow did not help out with the end game. Or, when going down in a rough surface terrain forest where stealth is important and everyone is camouflaged, why the fuck would you bring down a shiny gold robot prone to being knocked over and a little droid that runs on two skids that couldn't compensate for a raised tree root? The answer, because they are primary characters who should be given a role.

But the Ewoks. There is a lot of hate for the Ewoks because they look stupid and are cuddly. However, I first need to point out that, for the time, they were actually really decent costumes. We're talking pre-CGI days. You know, the days when dwarves/little people knew that they could always put on some crazy-ass costume and get a job in Hollywood? If Jedi was made today, you'd end up with CGI Ewoks and a shitload of unemployed little people. Now, the Ewoks had a purpose. Yes, I realize that the primary purpose of them was to sell toys and kiddie spin-off merchandise and products. However, these are simple stories told at the level of kids. Really, there isn't a lot of depth to the plots. But this story is so dark that you need something for the kiddies to lighten it up a bit. Perhaps Lucas went a little too far with the cute, but I don't think so.

The Ewoks also serve to give us a view of war not shown before in these movies. Rebels, Stormtroopers and aliens died left and right in these movies and we didn't pause or care. But I defy anyone to tell me honestly that the first time that they saw that Ewok die on screen and his friend try to wake him up they didn't tear up. Seriously. This is the first we've had impact of war and had it mean something. Obi-Wan's death ended up being a good thing overall. But that Ewok laying there while the other one pushed him a couple of times to try to move him showed an emotional cost of war. That Ewok death scene cancels out at least two score living cute Ewoks in the movie.

Ultimately, however, the Ewoks are supposed to give a message that the "little people" can make a difference. But it also gives us another message of strength of indigenous people in terrain that qualified soldiers are unused to fighting over. So, yes, the Ewoks are an allegory to the Viet Nam war.

Okay. That's probably going too far. But you get my point.

There only real problem that I have with Return of the Jedi is the fact that in the original Star Wars when Luke first gets C-3PO and finds out that he was part of the Rebellion, he asks him if he has any stories. Threepio responds that he isn't a very good storyteller. However, in Jedi, he's fucking mesmerizing the Ewoks with his storytelling and is even adding in sound effects for all of the principle battle scenes. Fuck what he said to Luke. Threepio can fucking spin a yarn.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form.  I'll ask her a question and transcribe her responses to the best of my ability and will format it afterward.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think about the Return of the Jedi?

Molly: I like it in the middle. I liked it and I didn't like it.

Chuckie: Okay, what didn't you like about it?

Molly: Um, that -- that -- that little guy that got shot.

Chuckie: The Ewok?

Molly: Mm-hm.

Chuckie: How did that make you feel?

Molly: Sad. Because he got hurt.

Chuckie: Was there anything else that you didn't like about the movie?

Molly: I didn't like that his father got hurt.

Chuckie: Whose father?

Molly: Lucas.

Chuckie: Okay, we'll get to that later though. Anything else you didn't like?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: So, tell me what you liked about movie.

Molly: Well, I liked that they were celebrating because the good guys won and Lucas's father died. They had fireworks. Daddy, did you know that they had fireworks on other planets?

Chuckie: No, I didn't know that. I would have thought that they had some kind of more technologically advanced means of celebrating, like giant holograms or laser light shows or something.

Molly: Nope. Fireworks.

Chuckie: Yeah. So, what else did you like about the movie?

Molly: Wait. There are other parts that I didn't like about the movie!

Chuckie: Okay, like what?

Molly: Like when the one guy fell into the sea monster in the sand and it ate him and when Dark Vader's boss got thrown down that pit and died.

Chuckie: Well, you know that these guys that died were bad guys in the movie, right?

Molly: Yeah, but it was still sad. They have families, you know.

Chuckie: Wow. Okay. Good point. So, why don't you tell me what happened in the movie?

Molly: Well, they had to rescue Han Solo because he was frozen, so they put him in the oven to free him--

Chuckie: Wait. They put him in the oven?

Molly: Yeah. He turned red like he was hot then got out of the frozen stuff.

Chuckie: Ah... Okay. Well, continue.

Molly: Princess Leia freed Han Solo, but the big frog took him and her. Oh, and the big gorilla was there as well. Then Lucas showed up and rescued them.  Then Lucas visited Yoda, then Yoda died, so that's another part I didn't like too. And then they had to stop the bad guys' plan.

Chuckie: What was their plan?

Molly: They were building another Death Star.

Chuckie: Okay, I know it broke into a few interweaving plot points here, but what happened on the ground in the forest?

Molly: Princess Leia found Ewoks. And the Ewoks helped them fight the bad guys. And when they won, everyone was celebrating, but they weren't congratulating the Ewoks because they did most of the work.

Chuckie: Okay, while that was going on what was Lucas doing?

Molly: He went to see his father, Dark Vader. And Dark Vader tried to turn him into a bad guy, but it didn't work. Dark Vader didn't really want to fight Lucas or turn him into a bad guy, but his boss told him that he had to and so he fought Lucas because he didn't want to get fired.

Chuckie: So what happened in the fight?

Molly: Dark Vader became a good guy and killed his boss so that he could save Lucas and his boss would be dead and couldn't fire him. So then he became the boss. But then he died.

Chuckie: What did you think when Lucas took off Dark Vader's mask?

Molly: He looked like an alien. He did not even look like a person.

Chuckie: So, a lot of people don't like the Ewoks and think that they ruined the movie. What do you think about that?

Molly: I liked them since they fighted the most. They fighted more than the rest of the good guys did.

Chuckie: So, tell me about the character arcs. How did Lucas change by the end of the movie?

Molly: He was really good at using the force field. I'm not good at it yet though. Watch. (She stares at the shelf, straining.) See? Nothing happened.

Chuckie: What were you trying to do?

Molly: I was trying to move the books and shelf. But I'm not good with the force field yet. But that's okay, because you never give up and you have to practice, practice, practice.

Chuckie: What about Han Solo? Did he change by the end of the movie?

Molly: He wasn't frozen in the sandbox anymore.

Chuckie: Any kind of personality change?

Molly: What is a "personality"?

Chuckie: The way he acts and the things he believes in.

Molly: Well, he wasn't acting when he was frozen in the sandbox, so that changed.

Chuckie: Fair point. How about Princess Leia? Did she change at all?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: Okay, did Dark Vader change?

Molly: Yes. He turned into a good guy and then turned into a ghost.

Chuckie: So, how would you rate this movie?

Molly: Stars.

Chuckie: Okay. How many stars would you give Return of the Jedi?

Molly: Um, five and out of three.

Chuckie: You are giving it more stars than it is out of, you know that right?

Molly: Yeah.  And I want to give it Ewoks, Daddy.

Chuckie: Okay. Um, how many Ewoks?

Molly: Twenty-four Ewoks. Is that a lot of Ewoks?

Chuckie: I don't know. I'm not used to an Ewok rating system. Out of how many?

Molly: Four.

Chuckie: Then, yes, I would have to assume that it is a lot of Ewoks to rate a movie with.

Molly: Good.

Chuckie: So, who do you think would like this movie?

Molly: Ellen, Eva and Cassie. Not the little Cassie, but the big one.

Chuckie: Why do you think they would like it?

Molly: Well, I think Ellen would like it because I'm her best friend, Ewoks and they fight and stuff. My other friends would like it because of the Ewoks.

Chuckie: You really liked the Ewoks, didn't you?

Molly: Mm-hm. That's why I gave it more Ewoks than stars.

Chuckie: I don't know if that's how ratings work.

Molly: Well, I was going to give it three Ewoks, but then I thought I should give it more.

Chuckie: Okay. So, while the Ewoks are cute and cuddly, there are actually a lot of rather dark themes and scenes in this movie. Would you say that the movie is more for kids or for grown-ups?

Molly: Grown-ups. But I still think kids would like it because I did.

Chuckie: Fair enough. So, is there anything else that you wanted to say about Return of the Jedi?

Molly: (covers her right eye with her hand.) Sibuna.

Chuckie: Sibuna?

Molly: Yeah, that means it's a secret that only people from House of Anubis can hear.

Chuckie: So, I can't hear it?

Molly: Nope. The End.

So, that's our review. Molly really liked the Ewoks in the movie, but was rather upset at the Ewok death scene. When it happened, I had to pause the film and talk to her since she started to cry. We still made it through the rest of the movie, but for anyone who discounts Ewoks of being too cute, they made an impact on the potential cost of fighting and war to my five year old.

Of course I liked it. I don't think anything touches the original Star Wars by a longshot, but this is my second favorite of the original trilogy. But most importantly in this movie, the Empire learned a lesson that everyone from Prince Lotor to Wile E. Coyote to Desslok to the Zentraedi to Cobra Commander to the Decepticons could not grasp: If your plan came THIS FUCKING CLOSE to wiping out your enemy and failed for some fluke reason, don't throw out the blueprints. just tweak them and retry them.

Molly gives it five out of three stars and twenty-four out of four Ewoks. She also considers the Vader's struggle with battling his son and his attempts to either pervert or murder his child stem from a fear of being fired from his job. She also apparently had more to say on the movie, but I'm not a member of the Sibuna club from House of Anubis, so I have no clue what it might be.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Molly with Han Solo frozen in sweet, sweet chocolate. He was eaten just after this review.

Alright. I know I'm in the minority on this one and I routinely take crap for it, but here it goes: The Empire Strikes Back is the weakest of the three original Star Wars movies.

That isn't to say it is bad. I mean, it's still Star Wars, though decidedly less fun than the other movies.

So before I get flayed, here are my three primary reasons why it is a weaker movie:

1. Incoherent Story Pacing:

Star Wars had a basic story of rescue the princess and destroy the Death Star. These were pretty tangible and easy to track for the plot. Empire separates the characters and builds to separate stories to follow: A) Train as a Jedi and B) Escape the Empire. On the whole, this wouldn't seem bad except that jumping back and forth between the two build such different levels of excitement and theme that is sometimes jarring. Holy shit! It looks like the end for Han and Leia! Things couldn't possibly get any worse and--oh... there's Luke doing a handstand with a puppet on his foot who talks like he is reciting ASL literally talking vaguely mystical. So, it causes pacing problems with the movie, as opposed to everyone in the first movie sticking together. And, when they aren't sticking together, they are at least all trying to achieve different goals of the same objective.

 But secondly, this break and attempt to tell two different stories causes problems with the timing of the movie. How long does it take to train to be a Jedi? It seems like it would be a long and arduous training, especially with Yoda's hard on for teaching patience. So, how long did Luke train with Yoda to get the new powers that he employed by the end of the movie? My gut would say at least weeks. However, you have to compare this to the pacing of Han Solo's escape from Hoth. He left Hoth and immediately went into an asteroid field, to be flushed out and hide in the Imperial garbage and then flew directly to Bespin where he was almost immediately betrayed by Lando. Since the Empire was there before Han, one would think that there would be no real reason to stall Han's capture too long--just enough for Vader to arrive personally. So by that time frame, I would say that maybe Han was on the run for a day or two at the most. With this timing, we have to assume then that Luke's Jedi training lasted less than this time (since he then needed to rush to Bespin to free his friends). So, Luke learned a shitload of Jedi powers with probably less than a day's training. Now, I don't know much about the Force, so maybe the power-learning is rather front-loaded, but it still seems off to me. So the pacing of the action to training is awkward and it also makes trying to figure out how much time really passed just as bad.

Then again, Han's fleeing was hindered by the fact that he couldn't fly to light speed. So it's possible that travel time was extended and it took him roughly 10,000 years to fly to Bespin without being able to go to light speed.

2. Vader Become a Farce:

 I know, I know. All of the fanboys who love Vader love this movie, but for me, this movie breaks his character even more than removing his mask in the third movie to find that the menacing evil of the galaxy looks like mashed potatoes. I loved Vader in the first movie. He was a religious zealot, but he was properly leashed in a military structure. Grand Moff Tarkin kept him in check and stopped him from making too much of an ass of himself. I -loved- that dynamic. I mean, really, think about the scene from Star Wars when they are discussing the completion of the Death Star and how militarily obsolete Vader's views really are:

Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!

Darth Vader: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the potential of the Force.

Admiral Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels' hidden fortress...

Darth Vader: (starts Force Choking the shit out of him) I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him!

Darth Vader: (releases him) As you wish.

What this scene illustrates is that Vader is a religious zealot, but is still under the command of the military structure. And I love this scene. Not because Vader uses cool Force Choke powers, but rather because it shows how he is archaic and out of place in this structure. Not to bash religion, but really, think about a real-world equivalent of this scene:

(sitting on an Aircraft Carrier in the Gulf)

Admiral: With us positioned out here, we can use the aircraft to control the air space and control the sea of our less technologically advanced enemies, giving us full control and power over this sea zone.

Naval Chaplain Who Has Somehow Found His Way Into the Meeting: Yes, but the power of this aircraft carrier pales in comparison to the power of Christ.

(sighs and eye rolls from around the command room)

Admiral: (speaking diplomatically) Yes. That may be true, however, it is not really applicable in this situation. Now, if you don't mind, we really need to get back to planning the strategic assault and conquest of the enemy ports.

I mean, really, Grand Moff Tarkin was right to call Vader down and stop him. And Admiral Motti was right to make fun of Vader. I mean, yes, the Dark Side of the Force is really powerful. I'm sure Vader could have transported down to Alderaan and Force Choked the entire planet's population to death. However, it would be a rather time consuming endeavor. Just blowing up the planet with the Death Star really was the much more efficient path to take. Though, I suppose, hearing that Vader went and spent 6 months on Alderaan personally Force Choking every single inhabitant of that planet would also be rather intimidating to the rest of the galaxy. But more in the religious zealot way rather than the military might way.

But anyhow, Vader didn't have a leash in this movie. So he's constantly strangling people and making immediate promotions. It just became farcical. I preferred him as mystical and powerful, but at odds with a military structure. Now, he's just killing admirals who forget to say please and thank you. And really, this illustrates the idiocy of the officers in the Empire. The best position to have is the one just below the current General. Invariably, he'd fuck up and Vader would choke and kill him and immediately promote you. Your next move? Resign your commission and get your pension at General pay level and sit nice and pretty on some Outer Rim planet.

3. No Love for Blondie:

This is a personal, but very real beef of mine. Growing up with nearly albino-white blond head of hair, it became a signature trait of my childhood. So, whenever we would play games with a group of kids, I'd become the defacto blond character. Do you know how much it sucked playing Super Friends with your friends and having to ALWAYS be Aquaman? Do you know how terribly limited children's school yard imaginations are to create problems that also involved, at the very least, a nearby lake? So, when we got to play Star Wars, it was fine being the blondie. I got to play Luke. Sure, others rushed and argued over who was Han. But I had a blaster AND a lightsaber. And, if a girl was playing with us and got the be Leia, then Luke got the girl.

But that changed with Empire. Now the gaggle of Han Solos would get to smooch the girl on the playground. As consolation, if there was a really young or really short kid playing, he'd get to be my Yoda. But that was hardly any consolation.

Now, none of this is to say that Empire is a bad movie. But it is also an incomplete one. Star Wars had a beginning, middle and end. Return of the Jedi had a beginning, middle and end. Empire just felt like middle throughout. There was no overarching story that covered a grand scale and it just feels a little flat.

What I did like about Empire, however, is that characters continued to develop. Luke and Leia both come a bit more into themselves during their journey. Han remains static, however, and Vader develops, but, as I mentioned, is almost farcical now as a character.

But the absolute best part of Empire Strikes Back? The fact that it lends us the best worst nerdy joke ever:

How warm is it inside of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me at my computer as I type this. Because of her age, her review will be in Q&A form. I'll transcribe it and reformat it when we are finished.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think about The Empire Strikes Back?

Molly: I liked it.

Chuckie: What did you like about it?

Molly: Um, the last part where the guy was still alive even though they chopped off his arm. When they were in the fight.

Chuckie: What guy was still alive?

Molly: Lucas.

Chuckie: Who chopped off his hand?

Molly: Dark Vader.

Chuckie: Why were they fighting?

Molly: Since they were on other teams.

Chuckie: So, did Dark Vader tell Lucas anything important while they were fighting?

Molly: Yes. That he was actually his father.

Chuckie: Do you believe him?

Molly: Well, kind of. But maybe actually Dark Vader's a good guy and I just don't know.

Chuckie: Don't you think that a father can be bad and a son can be good?

Molly: Well, no.

Chuckie: Why not?

Molly: Well, I just don't think it.

Chuckie: Does that mean if I was bad, you'd have to be bad too because your my kid?

Molly: (shakes her head)

Chuckie: Why not?

Molly: Since I don't want to be bad. And other people might be good. And since I was bad, I might be mean to you.

Chuckie: Then don't you think that maybe Lucas is good even though his father is bad? They can be different?

Molly: Kind of, but then they won't like each other.

Chuckie: Fair enough. Alright, so tell me about the movie. What was it about?

Molly: Um, all the star wars.

Chuckie: Wait. What? Can you be more specific?

Molly: Well, on the ice cold planet an ice bear tried to eat Lucas. And he used that thingy to try to grab it.

Chuckie: Wait. Thingy? You mean the Force?

Molly: Yes. He used the force field.

Chuckie: Okay. Then after he got his light saber, what did he do?

Molly: He got out and saved himself. Then he went to see that little guy.

Chuckie: Little guy?

Molly: Yoda something. They didn't tell us his last name.

Chuckie: Why did he go and see Yoda?

Molly: He went to learn how to be a master.

Chuckie: A master of what?

Molly: The force field.

Chuckie: Okay, but meanwhile, what was Han Solo and Princess Leia doing?

Molly: They went to a city in the clouds where Dark Vader was waiting for them.

Chuckie: What happened then?

Molly: He trapped Han Solo and put him in the sand box thingy so that he'd be in there forever.

Chuckie: Alright, so tell me a little about the characters in this movie. Tell me what happened during Lucas Skywalker's character arc in this movie?

Molly: He changed.

Chuckie: Wow. Good answer. How did he change?

Molly: Um, since he started with two hands and ended up with one.

Chuckie: (laughs)

Molly: (interrupts) But he got a robot hand at the end, so even though he had two hands at the end of the movie, his character was still changed.

Chuckie: Good point. Tell me about the other characters.

Molly: Well, there's Princess Leia. She's a princess of the galaxy.

Chuckie: Did her character change or grow?

Molly: Well, she kissed a lot of guys in the movie.  But she told Han Solo that she loved him right before he got frozen in the sandbox. But she kissed Lucas before that, so I think she was just confused.

Chuckie: So, by the end of the movie, she wasn't confused anymore and knew who she liked.

Molly: Yeah. She liked Han Solo.

Chuckie: What did you think of Dark Vader in this movie?

Molly: He was mean.

Chuckie: Do you think that they overplayed his character without having reigns on him and essentially made him into a cartoonish characterization that is a bit over the top instead of keeping him a darkly mysterious figure who plays his vast power closer to his chest?

Molly: I have no idea what you just said.

Chuckie: Alright, which did you like better, Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back?

Molly: Star Wars. I loved that movie. Especially where they yelled "Utini!"

Chuckie: So, what didn't you like about Empire Strikes Back?

Molly: Hm. That he chopped off his hand.

Chuckie: When we were watching the movie,  you told me that Dark Vader chopping off Lucas's hand was a dumb idea. Why did you think it was a bad move?

Molly: Because when you chop something with a light saber, it becomes more powerful, like Ben.

Chuckie: I'm not sure if that's exactly how that works.

Molly: Well, you still shouldn't be chopping off people's hands. It's rude, especially because it's his own kid. But, Daddy, I don't think that he wanted to. I think that he had a master who told him to do it but he didn't want to, but he had to follow his rules.

Chuckie: Wow. Very astute.

Molly: What does stoot mean?

Chuckie: It means you were very clever in thinking that Dark Vader was following a master's orders.

Molly: Oh.

Chuckie: So, how would you rate the movie?

Molly: With stars and suns.

Chuckie: Okay, how many stars would you give the movie?

Molly: Fifty million.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Out of one star.

Chuckie: So, the movie is fifty million times better than the absolute best?

Molly: I think so. And suns, Daddy.

Chuckie: Alright, so how many suns would you give the movie?

Molly: Thirty five and a hundred and forty five.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Out of two.

Chuckie: So, who do you think would like this movie?

Molly: Wait! How about the moons.

Chuckie: Sorry. How many moons would you give this movie?

Molly: Forty five and fifty hundred and forty five and a hundred more.

Chuckie: Okay. Out of how many?

Molly: Hm. Out of X.

Chuckie: "X"?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: As in a variable "X"?

Molly: What's a variable mean?

Chuckie: It means that it can potentially be any number, but is often solvable to a single number, set or range.

Molly: What's a range mean?

Chuckie: It is a span of numbers that it can be within.

Molly: Yes. That's what I meant.

Chuckie: So, who do you think would like this movie?

Molly: Um, most of all, I think Edison and Pop Pop.

Chuckie: Why do you think they'd like it?

Molly: I think she's grown up enough to really enjoy it.

Chuckie: Who was your favorite character in the movie?

Molly: Princess Leia.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: Since she's a girl and she's a princess.

Chuckie: So, do you think that grownups or kids would like this movie more?

Molly: Grownups. Well, I think because Pop Pop likes it and I just think that. I think more grownups would like it.

Chuckie: Alright. Is there anything else that you wanted to say about The Empire Strikes Back?

Molly: It was a sad ending because he cut off his arm and that was his dad that did that to him.

So, that's our review. Molly liked the move, but not as much as Star Wars. She was also a lot more distracted during this movie. The pacing really is a lot slower than the others, especially for a kid. While Molly chatted up every possibly theory as we watched the first one, she was looking for distractions during this one.

Of course, I like it, but it is my least favorite of the original trilogy. That isn't really a bad thing though when you consider the relativity of it all though. It's like saying that oral sex is my least favorite sex out of the three options. Although it gets the "least favorite" title, I'm still a big fan.

Molly thinks that it was still a good movie. She gives it fifty million stars out of one star, thirty five and a hundred and forty five suns out of two and forty five and fifty hundred and forty five and a hundred more moons out of X. You can solve for X at your leisure. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks, we'll have a good chance to sit and enjoy Return of the Jedi.

Star Wars: A New Hope

Molly's first Halloween. Incidentally, it was the only Halloween where she would be Yoda-sized.

Alright, so Molly wanted to watch Star Wars the other day and we sat down and watched it together while Jessica was out. She chatted with me throughout the whole movie giving me her insights to it, so I knew then I wanted to eventually try to review it with her. Jessica is out again today and when I asked what Molly wanted to do for a Daddy-daughter night, she chose watching Star Wars again. So after watching it, I sat her down for a review.

My portion of the review will be rather light. I mean, I've seen the movie a thousand times and for her first Halloween, I dressed my daughter up as Yoda. I also taught myself crude video editing effects a few years back to make a video of my daughter with a lightsaber. I've been to various conventions and I have a collection of business cards for Lightsaber enthusiast clubs, where you build your own lightsaber and you get to train in different styles of wielding them. I haven't joined any of these clubs, but, over the years, I still have not discarded the business cards. A part of me hopes that one day I will find someone to go with so I can feel just a bit less nerdy about the whole ordeal. Who knows, maybe it'll be Molly when she gets a bit older. I know exactly who the first woman (other than my mother) that I truly loved was: Princess Leia. I obsessed over her when I was about Molly's age and I used to have a Star Wars picture book and I used to kiss the pictures of her in it. While most kids were drawn to being Han Solo as we played Star Wars, I was always Luke. Sure, he was a whiny brat, but he had two things going for him: He was blond and so was I and he got to kiss Princess Leia. Fortunately, I was a bit older when I found out that Leia was Luke's sister and my childhood fantasies were actually really rather creepy.

So, anyway, I grew up with Star Wars. My mom loved it. When Empire Strikes Back opened (on a Wednesday), my parents both took off of work and took me and my brother out of school so that we could watch the first showing of it.

I'd have to say that I really like Star Wars, but it is such a part of my heritage that I cannot really view it as a movie anymore. It is just something that was a part of my childhood since it was that culturally large and such a part of my family life.

Sure, Greedo shoots first in the version that I watched with Molly, and while that is just a silly and frivolous thing to change in the movie, it is also a silly and frivolous thing to get that upset about as an adult. It did not change my childhood one iota. Yeah, it's a shittier version of the movie, but it didn't change what I experienced. And for Molly, well, she's never seen Han fire first. But she still loved it nonetheless. So, while grumbling about the changes may be a fun little side-hobby, it doesn't change the fact that the movies still have an effect on kids.







Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me at my computer as I write type this. Because of her age, her review will be in Q&A form. I'll transcribe the best I can what she is saying as she is saying it and will format it later.)



Chuckie: So, what did you think of the movie "Star Wars"?
Molly: Um, I loved it.
Chuckie: Loved it? Usually just say you like things.
Molly: Yeah. That was my best opinion.

Chuckie: What did you like about the movie?
Molly: Um, that there was awesome in it. And that he got a new life and he liked it.
Chuckie: A new life?
Molly: Ben Kenobi.
Chuckie: What do you mean, Ben Kenobi got a new life?
Molly: Well, because he got invisible. Remember?

Chuckie: Oh, after Darth Vader hit him with the lightsaber?
Molly: Yeah.
Chuckie: What kind of a life was it?
Molly: An invisible one. And he was more powerful.

Chuckie: True. Okay, do you want to talk about the story first or the characters?
Molly: Characters.

Chuckie: Alright, who were some of the characters in the movie?
Molly: Lucas.
Chuckie: You mean Luke?
Molly: No, Daddy. Luke is short for Lucas. My friend is Lucas Caller. People call him Luke, but him real name is LUCAS. So, Daddy, Luke is a nickname for Lucas.
Chuckie: Fair enough then. So, who was Lucas?
Molly: He got eaten by a monster that was living in garbage water.
Chuckie: That's it?
Molly: Mm-hm.
Chuckie: That sums up Lucas Skywalker? He almost got eaten by garbage water monster?
Molly: Yeah. And he almost got squished.

Chuckie: Alright. Who else was in the movie?
Molly: A big gorilla.
Chuckie: Chewbacca?
Molly: Yeah. But big gorilla is easier to remember.
Chuckie: So what did the big gorilla do?
Molly: He tried to open a door and he wasn't listening.
Chuckie: That's it?
Molly: That's all I remember about the gorilla.

Chuckie: Who was the gorilla's friend?
Molly: Nutrients.
Chuckie: Nutrients?
Molly: To help him grow.
Chuckie: What?
Molly: To help him grow big and strong and so he can be healthy.
Chuckie: What? No. I mean his friend, Han Solo.
Molly: Oh. I thought you meant nutrients.
Chuckie: No. Not at all. So tell me about Han Solo.
Molly: I don't remember. He was the gorilla's friend.

Chuckie: Who else was in the movie?
Molly: Princess Aleia. (pronounced AH-lay-ah)
Chuckie: Who was she? What did she do?
Molly: She was a princess that helped a Dalek.

Chuckie: A Dalek?
Molly: Yes.
Chuckie: What Dalek?
Molly: R2-Dalek.
Chuckie: (laughs)
Molly: What's so funny, Daddy? This is a very serious review. (She whines and pouts a bit, crossing her arms over her chest.)
Chuckie: Okay, sorry, Pixie. So tell me about R2-Dalek.
Molly: Um, he got shot. And then his guts fell out of his head, but they were robot guts which are mostly wires.
Chuckie: So he died? Did he become a more powerful invisible ghost too?
Molly: No! He got fixed at the shop.

Chuckie: Who was R2-Dalek's friend?
Molly: That tin man.
Chuckie: Do you remember his name?
Molly: Ummm... C? C-something. Uh. C-14? I don't remember.
Chuckie: C-3PO?
Molly: Yes! That's it, Daddy. Thank you.
Chuckie: So tell me about C-3PO.
Molly: He was gold and he was mean to that Dalek. And he went the wrong direction because he wasn't listening and he didn't go the right way. R2-Dalek gave him the right directions, but he didn't listen and he went the wrong way and said that the Dalek tricked him, but he didn't. He told him the right way, but the tin man didn't want to listen. Daddy, why are they friends?
Chuckie: What do you mean?
Molly: They don't even like each other! So how can they even be friends?
Chuckie: Well, what do you think?
Molly: Maybe when they were little kid robots they were friends. Maybe at that time they liked each other and they were good friends and they played nicely and were polite. And they had good adventures where they listened to each other and didn't make each other frustrated and then maybe a bad witch showed up and cast a spell on the tin man and made him forget that he was supposed to be nice and so he wasn't polite and was mean and kicked the dalek.

Chuckie: That's one theory, I suppose. Any other characters that you can think of?
Molly: Ben Kenobi.
Chuckie: Tell me about him.
Molly: He was a ghost.
Chuckie: Was he always a ghost?
Molly: No. He was not always a ghost. He used to be a human and somebody got him and he got turned into a ghost, but he was more powerful and now he only talks to Lucas.

Chuckie: Who was the guy who got Ben Kenobi?
Molly: Dark Vader.
Chuckie: What was he like?
Molly: He was mean and nasty. He tried to steal Princess Aleia.

Chuckie: Okay, so that's most of the main characters. Can you tell me about the story and what happened in it?
Molly: The bad guys were shooting and the robot buddies went down to the planet and then--my favorite part--the guys shot the Dalek and then they yelled "Utini!" (She laughs hard.)

Chuckie: Then what?
Molly: The guys caught the tin man and the Dalek. Then Lucas bought them. He buyed the red one first, then the red one's head blew up and he said, "What?!?" And then he said, "Let's buy the blue Dalek instead." Then they walked to a home, Lucas's home. Then the tin man fell down and his arm came off so they visited Ben Kenobi's house and he gave them a Life Saver...

Chuckie: We talked about this during the movie, Sweetie. It's a lightsaber because a saber is a kind of sword and it is made out of light.
Molly: Actually, Daddy, I think it is a Life Saver, because when Dark Vader hit Ben Kenobi with it, it made him a more powerful person so it SAVED his LIFE.

Chuckie: Fair enough. Anyhow, what happened after they visited Ben Kenobi's house?
Molly: Then they left to rescue Princess Aleia. She was on the Death Star. But, Daddy, it wasn't a star. It was a planet.
Chuckie: Ah... I guess.
Molly: Yes, you see stars at night time and they are bright and like the sun. That wasn't like any of those things.
Chuckie: It's just a name.
Molly: Death Planet!

Chuckie: Alright. So they go to rescue the Princess. Then what happened?
Molly: Um, they rescued her, but they almost got squished in the garbage. But they got saved by two angry robots.
Chuckie: Angry robots?
Molly: They were mad at each other. That's angry.

Chuckie: Fair enough. So, then what happened?
Molly: Then the gorilla kept banging on the door and they got saved and then goed and fight the Death Planet. And the Dalek got shot, but he got fixed. Oh, and they blew up the Death Planet. And they gived out medals to the boys, but not to the gorilla, so he losed.

Chuckie: Was there anything that you didn't like in the movie?
Molly: No.

Chuckie: You liked everything?
Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: I think I know the answer to this, but what was your favorite part of the movie?
Molly: When Ben Kenobi got a new life.
Chuckie: Really? I thought it would have been when the Jawas shouted "Utini!"
Molly: Oh! Yeah! Yeah! That was my favorite part. I forgot about that.

Chuckie: So, Pixie, how would you--
Molly: Wait! Daddy, we forgot another character!
Chuckie: Who did we forget?
Molly: Those ones who called out "Utini!"
Chuckie: The Jawas?
Molly: Yeah. "Utini!"
Chuckie: So, what did you think about the Jawas?
Molly: I like that they yell out "Utini" when they're happy. They hit that little robot who was going on an adventure. And they catch robots and they sell them. They sell them to Lucas whenever he decides that he needs robots and then they come to his house and they show him all of the robots that they have for sale and Lucas gets to decide which robots he wants and he chooses them and buys them so that he can have adventures with his new robots that he just bought.
Chuckie: You know that you remember more about the Jawas than Han Solo, right?
Molly: I don't even know who that is.
Chuckie: The gorilla's friend?
Molly: Oh. That guy.

Chuckie: Anyhow, how would you rate the movie?
Molly: Sixteen stars.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of six. And moons, Daddy.

Chuckie: How many moons would you give it?
Molly: Seventeen.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of ten. And suns.

Chuckie: How many suns would you give the movie?
Molly: Two. Like Lucas's planet had two suns.
Chuckie: That's true. Out of how many?
Molly: Out of a Jack-in-the-Box.

Chuckie: Who do you think would like this movie?
Molly: Um, does Grandmom and Pop Pop like it?
Chuckie: Yes. Grandmom really loves it and saw it in the theater like a hundred times.
Molly: Why did she watch it? She loved it?
Chuckie: Yup. So, who do you think would like the movie?
Molly: Um, Grandmom then. And Pop Pop and Mike and Grammy and Pappy. And maybe Edison and Ellen and Mason and Ava.

Chuckie: Do you think that kids would like this movie more or would grown-ups like it more?
Molly: Hm. Both.
Chuckie: Good answer. Why do you think that?
Molly: Because kids will like when they yell "Utini!" and grown-ups will like the parts with the gorilla in it.

Chuckie: Alright. Is there anything else that you want to say about Star Wars?
Molly: That it had a happy ending because the boys got medals. Except the gorilla didn't get one. So it was a sad ending for him, but it was a happy ending for everyone else.



So, that's our review. Molly really loved the movie and I haven't even told her that there are more of them yet.

I, of course, love it. I'm also considering recording Molly as she talks to me through the movie one time because she just chatters about theories on everything. It would be a fun commentary track to watch the movie and listen with her when she gets older.

Molly thinks that it is a great movie with awesome in it. She gives it sixteen out of six stars, seventeen out of ten moons and two suns out of a Jack-in-the-Box. She is also spot on that both kids and adults would love the movie, but probably not for the reasons she stated, but rather for its rich, inspiring and memorable characters who are a part of our cultural heritage like, Lucas Skywalker, Princess Aleia, R2-Dalek and the Tin Man. And, of course, who could ever forget that gorilla and his nutrients?

The Smurfs

Colecovision's Smurfs game. Since gameplay was much more simple at the time, they increased the difficulty by giving the Colecovision the most fucking awful joystick in history.

 

Alright, this is massively late. It's been sitting on my desktop waiting for me to format it and I've finally got around to it. But anyway, a few weeks ago, Molly and I saw the Smurfs movie. This is our review:

I felt a little guilty taking Molly out to see the Smurfs without my wife. Not that my wife is really a big Smurfs fan, but she is a huge fan of Neil Patrick Harris. She is absolutely in love with him and is a bit disappointed in the fact that he is gay. So, I know that my role in our relationship is that if I ever have a chance to have sex with Neil Patrick Harris, I will take one for the team and do it so that I can describe it to my wife afterward so that she can experience sleeping with him vicariously through me. I just hope that my wife doesn't mind that my description of the experience will probably include the phrases "kind of awkward" and "really hurty" a lot.

Now, I grew up watching the Smurfs and I was really worried about watching this movie that it was going to be some horrible destruction of my childhood. However... it wasn't that bad.

Trust me, this isn't a flowering or glowing endorsement of the movie, but I was surprisingly not disgusted by the movie. The plot involves Gargamel finding the Smurf village because of Clumsy Smurf's blunder. As the smurfs try to escape, Clumsy gets separated and accidentally goes down the wrong path. Several other smurfs follow him and Gargamel follows that group instead of the 90 other smurfs. Anyhow, this splinter group gets sucked into a portal that leads them into Manhattan, as does Gargamel. Once in Manhattan, the smurfs need to find their way home while escaping Gargamel who is tracking them down. They meet Neil Patrick Harris who is married to the doe-eyed guidance counselor from Glee, who is pregnant (this, by the way, makes for an interesting post-movie discussion with my daughter who loves Dr. Horrible and Glee and has trouble disassociating actors from characters). Well, blah blah blah, predictable things happen and ultimately it is Clumsy who saves the day and rescues everyone and stops Gargamel and he is celebrated as a hero. But again, this leads me to the problem that I have with this standard kid movie plot: If Clumsy hadn't fucked up in the beginning, none of these threats would have come to bear and no one would have had to have risked their lives. So Clumsy's actions at the end weren't exactly grand at the end, but rather all he did was just karmically return to status quo.

Anyhow, the movie really only focused on a handful of the smurfs and introduced a new smurf, Gutsy Smurf. I have a bit of a problem with Gutsy Smurf for several reasons, however.

First of all, Gutsy Smurf and Hefty Smurf's personality overlap quite a bit. If you were to make a Venn Diagram of the pair, you would be very close to having a single circle.

Second, Gutsy Smurf has a heavy Scottish brogue. I am a little curious as to where he picked this up. Though perhaps there is some kind of Smurf Village Exchange Program that he is a part of.  Ultimately I suppose the accent doesn't bother me that much other than to make me really wonder about Smurf regional dialects.

But the biggest problem I have with Gutsy Smurf is this:

He wears a kilt. Now, I don't have a problem with kilts at all. I wear them and I love them. However, I have a problem with him being called "Gutsy" and he is wearing pants under his kilt. If he really wants to be "Gutsy Smurf" then he'd go full commando under his kilt while jumping around and fighting like he did in this movie.

The thing that I did like about the movie, though, was that it actually kept to canon fairly well. There were references to the fact that Gargamel created Smurfette. There were other subtle references to some of the smurf history as well (including the strange, out of chronological time explanation of how Azreal got that notch in his ear).

However, this strange nod to the adherence of Smurf lore made a few things in the movie odd. Such as, in the cartoon, Gargamel had always wanted to catch the smurfs because he had an alchemical formula that could turn smurfs to gold. Occasionally, his motive was just to eat them because they were delicious. However, in the movie, Gargamel wants the smurfs because their essence grants wizards their power for spells.

I also never really understood how smurfs were supposed to be "three apples high". I mean, an apple is on average 3 1/4" in height. Even if we shave that down to just 3", then we're looking at a smurf being 9" tall. There's no way that smurfs are 9 inches tall.

But anyhow, the movie was kind of clever and had some subtle humor in it that didn't make it too terrible for adults. It wasn't some horrible memory destroying piece, but it was just safe, dumb movie-making. I've had to endure much worse with Molly.



Molly: (As usual, Molly is next to me as I type this. Her portion of the review will be in Q&A form because of her inability to read. I'll transcribe what she is saying and format it all later.)



Chuckie: So, what did you think of the move, "The Smurfs"?
Molly: I liked it.

Chuckie: What did you like about it?
Molly: Um, that it was long.
Chuckie: What else did you like about it?
Molly: That it was nice.

Chuckie: Did you like the smurfs in the movie?
Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: What did you like about the smurfs?
Molly: That they were saved by the giant moon that was blue.

Chuckie: What were the different smurfs in the movie?
Molly: Um, one was  girl and the others were boys. And one was crazy. And one was a grandpa and one was clumsy and here's something really different about them: two people were humans.

Chuckie: Well, yes, but they weren't smurfs.
Molly: Yes. But one smurf was a chef.

Chuckie: Okay. That's true. So, tell me what happened in the movie.
Molly: Um, they got... Uh, Clumsy went the wrong way and they through the portal thing and then they went to a different land. I think it was New York City. And then they stayed with somebody else. One was from Glee Club and one was Doctor Horrible.

Chuckie: Then what happened?
Molly: Then they stayed with them and they stayed in a little mushroom. And then they went in a taxi and then they went to a shop and Smurfette was getting baby doll clothes and the other two was looking for the looking glass and the other two were playing around and then they went back home and then Papa Smurf looked out for the other smurfs. And then Dr. Horrible and the girl from Glee Club had a baby. Daddy, why was Dr. Horrible married to her?

Chuckie: Ah, well, Penny died at the end of Dr. Horrible. So I guess he moved on.
Molly: Mr. Shue is going to be mad that she married Dr. Horrible.

Chuckie: Yes, I suppose so. So, who was your favorite character in the movie?
Molly: The girl smurf. Wait! I mean the cat, sorry.

Chuckie: What did you like about the cat?
Molly: Um, I liked the cat because I like kitties. I think kitties are adorable.

Chuckie: Even when they're trying to eat smurfs?
Molly: No. Only when they do things that aren't eating smurfs. Like purring.

Chuckie: Well, isn't eating smurfs what he was trying to do in this movie?
Molly: Yes. Those parts he was less cute.

Chuckie: What was your favorite part of the movie?
Molly: That they goed back home. Wait! I mean when the kitty laughed instead.

Chuckie: Were there any parts of the movie that you didn't like?
Molly: Um, yes. That they were being mean and evil to those nice smurfs.

Chuckie: Gutsy Smurf was a completely new character and wasn't one of the original smurfs. What did you think of him?
Molly: He dressed like he was at the Renaissance Faire.

Chuckie: Yes, that he did. What can you tell me about the evil wizard, Gargamel?
Molly: He was mean. Mean, mean, mean!

Chuckie: Why was he after the smurfs?
Molly: I think because he wants more power and he wants to kills smurfs.

Chuckie: So, how would you rate this movie, Pixie?
Molly: With stars.

Chuckie: Okay. How many stars would you give this movie?
Molly: Eight.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Um, zero.
Chuckie: We've been over this before. If it is out of zero, it becomes an imaginary number.
Molly: That's fine, Daddy. Lots of things are imaginary anyway. Now I want to give it suns.

Chuckie: Okay, how many suns do you want to give it?
Molly: Um, nine.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Um... I don't know. I don't want to pick something that will make it turn into imagination. So... six?
Chuckie: Yeah, nine out of six a real number.
Molly: Yay! Now moons.

Chuckie: How many moons do you want to give it?
Molly: Three.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Reindeer.
Chuckie: Reindeer?
Molly: Yes.
Chuckie: Why reindeer?
Molly: I was just looking at my lip gloss reindeer and I thought, "Huh. Why not?"

Chuckie: Okay, fair enough. So who do you think would like to see this movie?
Molly: Um, Abby, Ellen, Ava and Elise, my best buddy who used to be at my school. And I think Mason, and Grandmom and Pop Pop and Grammy and Pappy and Daddy and Molly and Mommy. But no one else. I don't think we should take Dr. Opoly or Utini or baby kitten to the movie though, because they might learn bad habits from the cat in the movie.

Chuckie: So, is there anything else that you want to say about the movie?
Molly: Yes. Captain Hammer should have beat up Gargamel and saved the day.



So that's our review. I thought that it was mindless, but inoffensive to both the adults seeing the movie as well as those who may have watched the Smurfs a little too long through their childhood. Molly really enjoyed it and has been singing the la-la-la-la-la-la smurf song a little too much since seeing it.

I give it two out of five stars. I would have given it more, but Gutsy Smurf couldn't live up to his name and go commando under his kilt.

Molly gives it eight out of zero stars, nine out of six suns and three moons out of reindeer. She also doesn't think that this is a good movie to take our cats to, because they may pick up some bad habits. She's also apparently very concerned about Mr. Schuester and Emma's relationship in Glee and Dr. Horrible's intrusion in it.

Spy Kids in 4-D

For being in 4-D, there were a surprising lack of tesseracts in this movie.

Spy Kids 4-D: All the Time in the World, despite being advertised as being in 4-D, has absolutely nothing to do with the fourth dimensional coordinate geometry and vectors. It also has nothing to do with the physics concept of the interception of spacetime as a single continuum.

Instead we had scratch-and-sniff stickers that the movie prompted us to scratch and smell at various points.

How does the addition of the sense of smell work to enhance the viewing experience of someone like me who has no real sense of smell? Not at all!

We were given a sheet with eight different numbered spaces and had to smell them at the appropriate time. However, the movie itself didn't even use this well. First of all, two out of the eight of the scents dealt with fart or poop jokes. That is a solid 25% of the additional scents presented in the movie. A whole quarter of the scent experience of the movie dealt with poop smells. Granted, this is a kids movie, so fart jokes are to be expected and I would have perhaps tolerated 1 out of the 8 smells being fecally related, but two? Secondly, they kept teasing scents. The characters would say things like, "Did you smell that?" and everyone in the audience would grab their sheets, but there would be no prompting to scratch and sniff. They left us hanging and honestly, being left to hold a scratch and sniff sheet at the ready to no pay off gives the same sort of awkward feeling of being left for a high five. And at one point in the movie, one of the characters found a lot of different candy and we were prompted to scratch and sniff three different numbers simultaneously.

But anyhow, that was just a gimmick. A crappy, crappy gimmick.

The movie itself was about as good as 2 of the 8 scents.

Basically, the movie starts with the mother, who is a spy, at the endgame of a dangerous mission. However, she is fully 9 months pregnant. Now, I am fully down with and rather liberal when it comes to pregnancy and maternity situations in the workplace, but I think I draw the line at a full-term pregnant mother sliding down a zip-line into a convertible to start a high speed chase through traffic and ending in a confrontation with the bad guy and his minions and starting hand-to-hand combat during which her water breaks. This does, however, foreshadow her seemingly unerring ability to thrust her children into danger later in the film.

She swears off spy work and we cut to a year later. She's married to Joel McHale, who, for once in his life, was cleanly shaved and didn't have his sexy two-day stubble. Anyhow, Joel McHale has no clue that his wife was a spy and he has two kids of his own from a previous marriage, who view the spy step-mom with a bit of derision.

So, blah blah blah, shit happens and she gets reactivated as a spy and in the process the kids are left home by themselves and the house is attacked and they find out that their mom was really a spy and that their dog is really a robot voiced by Ricky Gervais. Stephen Merchant got to do really awesome voice-over work in Portal 2. Ricky Gervais, however, does voice-over work on a dog who makes fart jokes and says the word "chillax". Stephen Merchant wins that round. However, Gervais delivers his lines with such apathy, I doubt he spent more than one take on anything and didn't really give a shit anyway.

The kids are rather shallow personalities. The older girl likes pranks and has more issues accepting the mom. The younger boy is obviously really smart. How did I figure this out? Well, he was reading a book titled "Quantum Physics" while wearing a shirt that read "E=MC2".

Yes, yes. Kid's movie. Blunt should be forgivable. However, it shouldn't be insulting. Kids really can grasp and take in and understand a lot more than we give credit for.

But, anyhow, so the kids risk their lives and nearly die several times over and confront the bad guy who is using some time travel device to try to go back into time to spend more time with his father that he felt he never had enough time with. I happen to love time travel stories. I am also incredibly forgiving of time travel movies. But this made no sense.

So they stop the bad guy and decide to be a whole spy family. Since being reactivated as a spy, the mother carried the one-year old baby around with her on a front papoose--again, while sneaking around, getting shot at and getting in hand to hand fights.

I do not expect the genes of this family to continue on.



Molly: (As usual Molly's portion of the review will be in Q&A form due to her age and the fact that she cannot read. She's sitting next to me at my computer as I type this. I'll go back and reformat her review later.)



Chuckie: So, what did you think about the movie, "Spy Kids 4-D: All the Time in the World"?
Molly: I liked it.

Chuckie: What did you like about it?
Molly: Um, wait... what does fragile mean, Daddy?
Chuckie: That something can break easy.
Molly: Well, something broke easy.
Chuckie: What?
Molly: When the boy did that. (She mimes punching the wall.)

Chuckie: Okay, true. But you didn't tell me what you liked about it.
Molly: I know. Uh, I liked that baby made her first bad guy and that they were safe and that they saved the world and that two big Spy Kids made up.

Chuckie: What did you think about the scratch-and-sniff experience of the movie?
Molly: I liked that it smelled pretty good, except for number 4 because it smelled it smoke.
Chuckie: And that two of the eight scents smelled like either a dog fart or a baby fart, right?
Molly: No. I didn't like those either.

Chuckie: So, tell me what the movie was about?
Molly: Um, well it was about two Spy Kids and four Parent-level Spy Kids and three of the Parent-level Spy Kids fell into that globe thing full of numbers that was running out of time and two Spy Kids got trapped. And the baby farted and the dog farted.

Chuckie: What was the bad guy's plan in the movie?
Molly: Um, he tried to travel through time to get back to his dad because he missed him. So that's what that was all about. But here's the important part: he tried to kill the kids. But it didn't work. He didn't realize they were Spy Kids.

Chuckie: Did the time travel part of the movie confuse you?
Molly: No. I know about it from Doctor Who.
Chuckie: That's good to hear.
Molly: Thank you, Daddy. Oh! Here's a part that I did not like: She tried to warn the mom that it was a trap, but she didn't listen. She thought that it was a prank, but it wasn't.

Chuckie: Tell me a little about the characters in the movie.
Molly: Well, the characters... um, the dog character said, "Pull my tail" and they did that and he made butt bombs and when they pulled his finger he farted because it was funny. The boy said, "What was that supposed to do?" And the dog said it made him laugh.

Chuckie: Were you a little disappointed that the movie was advertised as being in 4-D, but there was really nothing pertaining to coordinate geometry and vectors and polychora?
Molly: I do not know what those words mean.

Chuckie: Okay, fair enough. So what did it being in 4-D lead you to expect?
Molly: That I needed to have 4-D glasses on instead of 3-D glasses.
Chuckie: What do 4-D glasses do that 3-D glasses don't?
Molly: Well, 3-D glasses make everything look like they're coming out into your eyes. And I would guess that 4-D glasses wouldn't make them come out into your eyes, but they would act like regular glasses and just help you see better.

Chuckie: Like Daddy's everyday glasses?
Molly: Yes, because I can see the computer on your glasses, so they made the computer come out onto your glasses in 4-D.
Chuckie: That's just the reflection of the computer screen on my glasses, Pixie.
Molly: Oh.

Chuckie: So, what was your favorite part of the movie?
Molly: Um, twiddling their thumbs.
Chuckie: What?
Molly: They were doing that and the girl won.
Chuckie: Oh! You mean the thumb wrestling?
Molly: Yeah.
Chuckie: Really? That was your favorite part?
Molly: Yeah. But that wasn't the funniest part.

Chuckie: What was the funniest part?
Molly: I have two funniest parts. When they said, "I think we need another way out", and when they said, "Baby got her first bad guy." Oh! And another part. You want to hear my favorite part?
Chuckie: Sure.
Molly: Um, my favorite part was that the world was saved.

Chuckie: Judging by your reaction, I thought it would be when the girl shot the jetpacks and said, "Hope you enjoy the ride."
Molly: Yeah! That's what I was going to say, "Enjoy the ride!" That was my favorite part ever.

Chuckie: So how would you rate this movie?
Molly: Um, happy.
Chuckie: Happy?
Molly: Wait, what does rate mean?
Chuckie: It's how you think about it in comparison to other things.
Molly: Oh, yeah! I like a lot of stars. Want to know how many?

Chuckie: Sure. How many stars would you give it?
Molly: Um, twenty-five thirty-four.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of my birthday. Oh, right! It's another number. Out of seven. And moons!

Chuckie: Okay, how many moons would you give the movie?
Molly: Twenty-five. I'm doing big numbers, Daddy, because it's impressive.
Chuckie: Okay. Out of how many?
Molly: Out of Africa.
Chuckie: What is it with you and having your ratings be out of Africa?
Molly: Because... um... I... uh... because I thought we were in Africa? I mean America! Thanks for correcting me, Daddy. Out of America.
Chuckie: Uh, okay.
Molly: It should be out of from wherever we live.

Chuckie: Sure. That's fine. So, who do you think would like this movie?
Molly: Um, everybody that is a kid because it's a kid show. And not you though, Daddy, because you can't smell very good.

Chuckie: Yes, that's true. I didn't get to experience smelling dog and baby farts on the card.
Molly: I'll tell you what they smelled like and then maybe you would like it better.

Chuckie: Okay.
Molly: One was very gross. I do not want to tell you what the gross one was. Number Four smelled like smoke. The other ones smelled like lollipops, a candy cane, Christmas tree and McDonald's food and one smelled like a butterfly and one smelled like a princess that was taking a shower.

Chuckie: Wait, none of these things were in the movie.
Molly: I don't know why it smelled like that. Maybe they gave me a card for a different movie. Oh, but one of them smelled like a girl Spy Kid. THAT was in the movie. And one smelled like cat fur.

Chuckie: Was that all of them?
Molly: Yes. But on the second one, it was different. One smelled like ketchup and one smelled like a zebra and one smelled like a star--

Chuckie: What does a star smell like?
Molly: I don't know. Outer space? And one smelled like Ariel--

Chuckie: Hold on, there weren't that many scratch and sniff spots. And what does a princess taking a shower even smell like?
Molly: I don't know. Like a princess and some soap?

Chuckie: I think you're making this up.
Molly: (Taunting.) How do you know? You can't smell.

Chuckie: Ouch. Touché. So, anything else you want to say about the movie?
Molly: I want to be a Spy Kid.



So, that's our review. Molly was very excited to see it and really enjoyed the movie. She had been talking about the scenes from the commercials non-stop since seeing them on teevee. And she got excited whenever she could tell that a scene that she had seen in advance was coming up and she had a great time watching it. I thought it was a really, really bad movie that they tried to enhance my enjoyment of the film by making me smell poop twice.

I give the movie a half-star out of five. I am seriously being very generous in this rating. This movie assaulted my intelligence was terribly filmed, constantly irresponsibly put an infant in danger and tried to make me smell dog and baby poop. The only reason why I did not give it less is that I feel that there was still a potential to make this movie worse. It could have been in "5-D" and handed out Willy Wonka style lickable wallpaper sheets, but instead of snozberries, I had to lick and taste actual dog shit. So, good job in not doing that as well, movie. You get a half-star.

Molly, however, really liked this movie. She gives is twenty-four-thirty-five out of seven stars and twenty-five moons out of America. When she gets older and develops taste, I plan on making her watch this movie to prove how much I did for her when she was a kid. If I am getting anything out of this movie, it will be future parental guilt.