Man of Steel

Superman, in his rare orange uniform, landing. The fact that he is landing, says Molly, is why his cape is up like that. I love explaining around artistic limitations.

Man of Steel is the shittiest thing that I have seen in a long time. This is coming from someone who is writing this with a daughter who is currently watching "Third and Bird" in the background, so I've been forced to see some real shitty shit.

I have to point out, that I am not a Superman fan. I've read a handful of comics and they never did anything for me. However, I have a respect for what Superman represents, it's just not for me. That being said, a fun, campy Superman movie could be fun as hell to watch. But this was not what I was given.

Man of Steel starts with your typical Superman origin story, where Krypton is being destroyed, so in a last hope to save their son and the race of Krypton, Jor-El sends his only son in a space ship that was inexplicably built to infant-scale out to be saved where he lands on Earth in Kansas, where he is raised by Ma and Pa and taught right and wrong and given a hell of a lot of apple pie.

Oh, wait. My bad. That is every OTHER Superman origin story. In this one, Krypton is being destroyed by overuse of fossil fuels, so they tapped into their planet's core and drained it dry, causing what was referred to as an impending "implosion", despite the very outward expelling of every piece of the EXploding planet. Anyhow, as Jor-El explains to Kryton's council that the world is doomed, General Zod shows up and murders the leader and proclaims himself ruler and when Jor-El won't help him, he orders his arrest. So, Jor-El runs away and sees a fierce laser fight between ships as Zod's forces fight for control, so Jor-El calls for his trusty flying dinosaur to take him to the chamber that holds a bunch of eugenics baby pods and a skull that contains the genome of all of Krypton's people. He continues to fight Zod's forces through explosions to bring the magic skull to his son and wife. The skull magically infuses with his son, transmitting all of the genes of everyone from Kryton into his baby's cells--this is done for no real well-explained reason, by the way. Anyhow, Jor-El is about to send his baby out when Zod shows up. Jor-El explains how he is sending his son away and that he was Krypton's first naturally born son in ages, as everyone else is genetically manufactured. This, somehow, means that he will be a savior to everyone and Zod appears shocked to find out that he was naturally born. But for this prophecy of his being special, he's really just the inverse Jesus. Here on Earth, the non-virgin birth is actually pretty easy to obtain. Anyhow, Zod pleads with Jor-El's wife not to launch the ship and she hesitates, but then launches. So, Zod kills Jor-El and vows to get the ship back to get the genetic material that he needs. His first attempt to get the genetic material skull back is by firing massive lasers at the little ship carry baby Superman. He misses, which is good, because it was a shitty plan anyhow. Zod's rebellion is halted and he is sentenced to go to the Phantom Zone. Then Krypton is destroyed and the foretold implosion is actually a quite large explosion. We then cut to Clark Kent on Earth, not as a baby being found and raised by the Kents, but rather as a scraggly bearded oil rig worker. The oil rig explodes and he saves people. We find out through flashbacks throughout the movie that Clark was found and raised by the Kents, but Pa Kent didn't so much teach him right and wrong, but rather instilled him in a foreboding sense of moral ambiguity and tells him that maybe he should have let a bus full of kids--his friends--die so that there would be less suspicion about Clark being "strange".

So, yeah. That's how it started. And that was the "good" part.

Anyhow, Zod arrives before Superman has outed himself and calls for him to be turned over to him. From there, the movie turns into a shitty shakey-cam action slugfest where literally MILLIONS of people are killed with no regard. As Zod directly and through collateral damage kills millions of people, Superman saves exactly five people. He saves Lois Lane (though to his credit, twice) and a family of four too dumb to move out of the way of Zod's laser eye beams. The rest of the time he was either helping to cause collateral damage or fucking around with some giant machine in the Indian Ocean as Metropolis was literally flattened.

Seriously, Zod was going to terraform the planet and, in the process, kill everyone on it. He had a machine in the Indian Ocean (away from people) and his giant laser ship right over Metropolis. Both needed to be stopped to save the planet. So, what does Superman do? He tells the army guys, "You guys attack Zod. I'll go destroy the machine in the Indian Ocean." I'm not making that up. But you know what? The army guys were really shitty at stopping an army full of super powered Zod's men and died by the dozens. Superman, meanwhile, punched a machine in the Indian Ocean. Buildings collapsed onto one another and people were violently thrown up into the air and smashed into the ground from a gravity generator in Metropolis, dying horribly with no one there to catch them. Meanwhile, Superman punched a machine in the Indian Ocean. Skyscapers full of people were crashed into by destroyed fighter jets and then toppled onto other buildings while people screamed and were literally crushed on screen. Meanwhile, Superman punched the machine in the Indian Ocean. The army guys eventually stopped Zod's forces by sacrificing themselves by divebombing their plane with some deus ex machinae device into Zod's ship. Lois Lane, who was inexplicably on that plane, fell out the back and Superman did arrive just in time to save her. But, yeah, humanity stopped Zod's army. Not Superman. He punched a big machine in the Indian Ocean. There was a final showdown between Zod (sans army) and Superman, but it didn't matter. Metropolis was leveled and Superman didn't save anyone.

He just was not heroic at all. Superman is about camp and cheese. The way the movie should have been was that he started out saving people from minor accidents and stopping low level thugs. People got to know him and thought he was a hero and knew what he stood for. THEN the big bad guy showed up. Instead, no one knew who the fuck he was. When Zod asked to turn him over, no one gave a shit about him and said "sure thing". In fact, I would imagine that everyone in the world would be resentful of the fact that his presence lured Zod here.

And, in the end of the movie, he killed Zod. Snapped his neck to stop him from killing a family of four to add to the millions of others he already killed. This could have been a moment where Superman had to realize that he was forced to kill for the greater good, but again, there was no establishing of this.

This movie was utter shit.

I would also like to point out that my favorite line from the movie was from Zod's sub-commander who taunted Superman's weakness of morality. She said that she had evolved to not have morality and was therefore more powerful and taunted him with, "If science taught us anything, it is that evolution will always win." This is a fair point, but a poor taunt. I mean, Superman was the only naturally born person from their planet. Everyone else was a result of eugenics and gene engineering. Kind of lose out on the evolution argument there.

But anyhow, instead of just shitting on it, I figured I would include a list of two things that could have made this movie better:

*Superman saving someone. Anyone.

*The previews not including a trailer for "The Hobbit 2: The Hobbiting" and me finding out that they've fucking included Legolas in it. Seriously? Legolas? Fuck that movie. And I know I'll see that piece of shit as well.

Molly:  (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form. I will transcribe what we say and format it later.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think about Man of Steel?
Molly: Uh. What's Man of Steel?
Chuckie: The movie we just saw.

Molly: You mean Iron Man?

Chuckie: No, we didn't see Iron Man. We saw Man of Steel. Superman was in it.

Molly: Okay.

Chuckie: What did you think of it?

Molly: Good, except it had some bad parts.

Chuckie: What were the bad parts?

Molly: Suffocating and dying. Oh, and a planet exploding.

Chuckie: Who suffocated?

Molly: They keep doing this to people. (she moves her hand over her throat, simulating how people were constantly lifted up in the movie)

Chuckie: That's right. Who died?

Molly: Bad guy. And pretty much everyone.

Chuckie: What were the good parts?

Molly: Everything else. And the ending was in 3-D.

Chuckie: Well, the whole thing was in 3-D, right?

Molly: Yeah. Except the ending was in 3-D and most endings aren't.

Chuckie: What was the movie about?

Molly: Killing people and saving people.

Chuckie: Seriously though, who did Superman even save in this movie?

Molly: The girl who got shot right here. (she points to her chest)

Chuckie: Lois Lane?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: So, one out of 10 million saved isn't too bad, huh?

Molly: I guess so.

Chuckie: Anyhow, what happened in the movie?

Molly: Hm. People were fighting and people were in the houses and some people got caught and some people saved them--

Chuckie: Hold on. I would like to point out that regular people saved the trapped people, not actually Superman.

Molly: I know.

Chuckie: So, can you tell me about any of the characters.

Molly: One's evil.

Chuckie: Who?

Molly: I don't know his name.

Chuckie: Why was he evil?

Molly: I have no idea.

Chuckie: What was his plan?

Molly: To take over the world, I guess? Help me out here, give me some hints.

Chuckie: No, I'm just using this to illustrate how shitty the plot was. A Superman plot should not be complex or difficult to identify the characters.

Molly: What does "shitty" and "complex" mean?

Chuckie: "Shitty" means really bad. "Complex" means many parts and hard to understand.

Molly: What does "plot" mean?

Chuckie: It's the story.

Molly: Okay.

Chuckie: Alright, so describe Superman to me.

Molly: Who?

Chuckie: Yes. That's my point. Okay, describe the guy with the cape to me.

Molly: Oh. (long pause as she thinks)

Chuckie: Can you think of anything about him?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: What?

Molly: (long pause) He was a man.

Chuckie: That's it?

Molly: When he was a baby he got sent to earth from Cruton. Then he lived on Earth, but then when he went back to Cruton he started bleeding because he was used to Earth.

Chuckie: You have no idea how happy I am that you called it Cruton. So, let's talk about Lois Lane. What can you tell me about her?

Molly: Uh. Who?

Chuckie: The girl.

Molly: Who?

Chuckie: The one that Superman kissed.

Molly: Who?

Chuckie: The reporter girl.

Molly: I have no idea who you are talking about.

Chuckie: That's my point. Next up, tell me about General Zod.

Molly: Who's General Zod?

Chuckie: He was the bad guy.

Molly: You mean the one that was in charge of all those people?

Chuckie: Yup. Tell me about him.

Molly: Zod tried to destroy the people then he died and he tried to kill the other one, but he was good.

Chuckie: And what about Jor-El?

Molly: Who?

Chuckie: Superman's dad.

Molly: He was sad when he sended him to Earth, but not because he looked sad, but because you said he was sad when I asked you. Then the bad guy killed him. Oh, then on Earth he was a monogram.

Chuckie: A monogram?

Molly: Yeah. He was all scratchy on a screen.

Chuckie: A hologram.

Molly: Yeah, that's what I said.

Chuckie: When Metropolis was being destroyed by General Zod and all the buildings were being destroyed and collapsed, what was Superman doing?

Molly: He was fighting a machine.

Chuckie: Yup. In the Indian Ocean. He was punching a machine in the Indian Ocean while everyone in Metropolis was dying.

Molly: Yup.

Chuckie: That wasn't very heroic, was it?

Molly: Daddy. The machine was hitting a girl and she almost died.

Chuckie: Yes, that is true. The machine needed to be stopped. However, it could have been stopped on the other end and that's my point. Metropolis was left to be ruined while Superman engaged the machine at the end with no one else around to, oh I don't know, save from the collateral damage. Superman should be saving people and being cheesy. But he left Metropolis to be ruined while he dealt with the problem from the most abstract and, arguably, least useful position. Don't you see a problem with this?

Molly: At least the world was saved.

Chuckie: I get that. Hooray for the world not being destroyed. But that is an X-Men level resolution. But Superman is an icon. He should be iconic. He should be saving people on the macro level, granted, but he should be inspiring people with his actions on the micro level. By just focusing on the end result, we are failing to establish him as an icon.

Molly: I don't know what any of that means.

Chuckie: Let me put it this way. The world is about to be destroyed by a machine in New York and one in the ocean. Stopping either one should end it, but ultimately both need to be taken out. Should I take out the one in the ocean first and let New York be destroyed by the time I get around to resolving that end, or should I focus on New York first to save all of the people, thus establishing myself as a protector and icon and perhaps lure the bad guys away from New York and maybe draw them to the ocean to fight both together out of harm's way?

Molly: Let me put it this way. Either way the world could have been destroyed. But he saved the girl and the world didn't die.

Chuckie: I don't know, Pixie. I just expect better results from Superman.

Molly: Tell that to Thor. He only smashes stuff. How is he even a superhero?

Chuckie: We agree on this, at least. Thor is a piece of shit.

Molly: He only smashes stuff. And I'm telling Mommy that you said that about Thor.

Chuckie: She knows my feelings on Thor. Anyhow, do you want to rate this piece of crap?

Molly: What?

Chuckie: Do you want to rate the movie?

Molly: What movie?

Chuckie: The one we just saw. Man of Steel.

Molly: Iron Man?

Chuckie: No. We didn't see Iron Man. If we saw Iron Man, I would be much happier. We saw shitty Man of Steel. Superman. So let's rate this garbage.

Molly: Are you sure you want to say that about the movie? If you put it on the internet people will see it who liked it and they'll feel bad for themselves.

Chuckie: Good. They should feel bad for liking this.

Molly: Maybe you'll like it when you get older and you'll say, "Why did I write this?!? This is -so- good!"

Chuckie: I doubt I'll say that. Anyhow, how many stars do you want to give it?

Molly: For you, I'll pick zero because you don't really like it. But for me, I'll give it a nine.

Chuckie: Nine stars. Out of how many?

Molly: Out of twelve. Now moons.

Chuckie: How many moons do you give it?

Molly: Twenty. I like moons.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Five.

Chuckie: This movie doesn't deserve twenty moons.

Molly: I just like moons. And can I give it peanuts, Daddy?

Chuckie: Sure. Whatever. How many?

Molly: Two.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Out of a plant. Daddy, did you know that peanuts are a plant?

Chuckie: Yes, I did know that.

Molly: You are born from your mother, Daddy. You are.

Chuckie: What? What does that have to do with anything?

Molly: Let's see. Because you said "shit" and she didn't have a bag to clean up the dog's poop and said that there weren't cops around so she had to leave it go.

Chuckie: That is a tenuous connection at best. Anyhow, who would you recommend this movie to.

Molly: Somebody who would like it. Actually, you!

Chuckie: Why me?

Molly: Because you could watch it over and over again and you would whine that it's so bad and that would be funny.

Chuckie: Anything else that you wanted to say about the movie?

Molly: Let's just say that you might have liked the movie if there were those little guys who yelled "Utini!" in it.

Chuckie: Jawas?

Molly: Yes, Jawas.

Chuckie: Everything is better with Jawas, Sweetie. Everything.

Molly: I agree with you on that.

So, that's our review. It was a big honking pile of shit.

I'd actually give the movie one hundred stars. But they'd be red stars. Exactly the kind of star that would drain Superman's power and cause him to die an agonizing death! Ha. That was a nerd joke there. Seriously though, no stars. It was rancid.

Molly gave it nine out of twelve stars, twenty out of five moons and two peanuts out of a plant. She was also much more fine with low level heroics as long as the bar is set at "planet not being destroyed". However, we are both in agreement that Jawas would have improved the plot.

Les Misérables

Valjean, young Cosette and Fantine doing a hell of a lot more smiling than they did in the movie.

Les Misérables is the reason why I love musical theater. It isn't just because of catchy, good songs and lyrics. Nor is it because of my near-crippling obsession with the show that I had through high school.

No, Les Misérables encapsulates everything that works in musical theater. You see, story-telling is very subjective depending on the medium. This is why a great book sucks as a movie. They are different mediums and the same story cannot be told in the same way.

However, musical theater is a bit unique in how it can tell a story and, as such, it can adapt much more than a movie can. Seriously, think about all of the shitty exposition scenes that you've seen in a movie that don't make sense with crap dialogue and ruin the mood and momentum of the story. But in a musical, you can have a single song set up exposition, mood and change the entire theme by one character and it will fit perfectly in place. If it was done by Sondheim, it's also probably uptempo.

But think about it, in musical theater and opera, a character can describe exactly what they feel, think, plan, fear and how whatever just happened affects them in a simple song. However, in a movie, you get clumsy scenes where you get unnatural dialogue and exposition to set up the next act. This is why every single movie version of Les Misérables has failed to cover anywhere near the scope of Victor Hugo's novel. Each movie focused on a single specific theme of the book and kept out so much more of the story creating a hollow experience for those familiar with Hugo's work. Now, granted, the musical doesn't cover everything, but it touches on so much more than any movie. A three and a half minute song can cover, in more depth, than what a half hour scene in a movie can.

Hugo wrote Les Misérables in five volumes. The first of which was Fantine. This would be a movie in and of itself to cover. However, with well-crafted songs, you get the depth and emotion of the story in 15 minutes in the musical. And those fifteen minutes carries more pathos with it than a movie can. Music moves us. It enhances the emotional range and storytelling as well. Fantine was written to show the unfair treatment of women in Hugo's time. While I am not a huge fan of her songs, I still have to say that the musical does an admirable job, in just a couple of songs, of bringing forth Hugo's entire point of the volume.

Anyhow, enough of my licking musical theater's asshole, as sweet as it may be. What did I think of the movie?

I worried going into it. Javert is my favorite musical character and probably one of my all-time favorite literary characters. And instead of some Broadway powerhouse singing his part, they got Russell Crowe. However, despite my reservations, Crowe did alright. I wasn't blown away by him and he never quite rose to the power the role calls for, but he was passable and didn't make me cringe too much.

However, what I did like was the direction for Javert. Director Tom Hooper did a couple of beautiful little things. First, when Javert confronts Valjean after Fantine's death, Valjean escapes by jumping from the window into the river. Javert balks at pursuit. This sets up his inability to swim, which eventually will be his method of suicide. When he sings Stars, he walks along the edge of the building over the city below. He is sure-footed and strong and each step is a stride with confidence. Again, this contrasts his death where he walks along the edge of the river, his footsteps are no longer strong and confident and he takes his own life.

Though speaking of the Javert-Valjean Confrontation song, they removed one of Valjean's verses, where he sings that he's a stronger man by far and if he has to kill Javert he will to save Cosette. I'm certain that this was removed to make Valjean seem "nicer" and therefore more sympathetic. But there is something interestingly odd about movie-goer in contrast to theater-goers where movie-goers need their heroes more "pure". Think about how a lot of the biting lyrics were removed from the movie version of Evita.

One of my biggest gripes with the movie was that they allowed the actors to sing "live", instead of pre-recording and them lip syncing to their songs. While it enhanced passion and pathos in some songs (I Dreamed a Dream), what it ultimately did was undercut the score, which really is a character in and of itself in the theatrical performance.

Little things, such as Valjean's Soliloquy before he rips up his yellow ticket should really bookcase and match Javert's Soliloquy just before he kills himself. There is a reason why these songs carry the same music. However, by singing it live, Jackman changed the tempo and pace of his song and broke the bookcase emphasis.

The other problem with the live singing is that too many times the actors sung too hushed or quiet. The end result was that instead of a full symphonic orchestra belting out the music and enhancing the power of the songs, it was a rather muted score, often drowned out by the singers.

I could go on and on about Les Misérables and my thoughts and theories. Seriously. I could for a fucking long time. But instead I'll say it was decent and end with a few random observations:

•         This version of Les Misérables completely altered the whole Valjean/Javert dynamic. Seriously, Valjean should have the beard and Javert has the sideburns. However, this movie they swapped facial hair.

•          Marius's voice sounds like Kermit the Frog singing. Seriously. Think about that next time you watch the movie or listen to the movie's soundtrack. Sorry I just ruined the role for you, but you cannot unhear it.

•          "A Little Fall of Rain" is the most fucked up song. I mean, Marius loves Cosette, but Éponine loves Marius and sacrifices herself for him. So, as she lays there dying, Marius sings about how he wishes he could heal her with his love and so on. Lovely little sentiment. But what would have happened if she fucking pulled through? He just created a rather awkward situation for himself there. Is he going to ditch Cosette for her, or admit that it was just a little deathbed pillowtalk?

•          The corset for Samantha Barks was too fucking tight. Seriously. I get that Éponine is poor and should be thin, but fucking hell! I'll forgive any flaws in her singing to the fact that I doubt she could fucking breathe.

•          Every single performance of Les Misérables I have seen, I have always wondered why Marius is such a dipshit and falls for Cosette instead of Éponine. I mean, Éponine has better songs, sings in a better range and looks like she's probably into much freakier sex than squeaky-clean, squeaky-voiced, dull-song-singing Cosette. However, I love Amanda Seyfried and as cute as she was in the 25th Anniversary concert, Samantha Barks and her micro-waist didn't do it for me in the movie. For once, I agree with Marius's choice.

•          When I saw the movie in the theater, I knew that I would have to strategically plan bathroom breaks around my six-year old daughter's micro-bladder. I had initially thought that "Do You Hear The People Sing" would be a fine time. The song is a little repetitive in the musical, following just after "Red and Black". So I was ready to run her out, but damn, if the movie didn't make that song really fucking rousing. So, instead, Molly had to hold it all the way until "Drink With Me".

•          While Victor Hugo's story is a fucking shit-ton of coincidences (Marius's father met Thénardier at Waterloo, Éponine growing up with Cosette, every fucking person in the story running into each other throughout France making me think that France is the size of a fucking broomcloset), the movie left in my favorite of the coincidences as Valjean is taken in by the church's gardener, who was the man he rescued from being crushed by the cart. Things like this aren't forced storytelling, but rather are karmic cause and effect elements.

•          Also, Victor Hugo can fucking ramble. If you read the unabridged Les Misérables then you'll be presented with selections like this: "And then Valjean ran to hide inside of the church with the cops right on his heels. The church he ran into has an interesting history..." and then you get two chapters about the history of the fucking church in the middle of a tense scene.

Though speaking of rambling and going on too long, I should probably cut this short.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form. I will transcribe what we say and format it later.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think about Les Misérables?

Molly: Huh?

Chuckie: Les Miz.

Molly: I loved it.

Chuckie: What did you like about it?

Molly: I'll tell you what I didn't like about it.

Chuckie: What was that?

Molly: That people got shot. And also, um, that Javert fell off a cliff. It was on purpose though.

Chuckie: Okay, we'll get to that. But right now, what did you like about the movie?

Molly: My brain is only thinking of the Thenardiers.

Chuckie: So you liked the Thenardiers?

Molly: Yes, except for their rotten food.

Chuckie: Alright, maybe we should start from the beginning then. What was the movie about?

Molly: They still actually got the movie all wrong.

Chuckie: What do you mean?

Molly: Because we saw that, um,  Éponine walk in, then for another part she got shot when she was already in, but she was supposed to get shot when she was delivering the letter. That makes more sense, right?

Chuckie: I guess.

Molly: Yes, because how did she get shot before the war already started. It makes more sense if she got shot when she was delivering the letter. At least that's why my brain is telling me.

Chuckie: Alright, but what happened in the movie.

Molly: Um, Jean Valjean was in prison and all the prison people had to pull a boat and, um, Javert let Jean Valjean out of prison and everyone was mean to Jean Valjean and then he met the priest and the priest was nice to him and Jean Valjean, um, the priest let him stay at his place and he left so early and he stole his silver and, and, and the priest, um, gave him some candles. Then Jean Valjean became nice and he was the President.

Chuckie: Mayor.

Molly: Oh. Mayor. Then all the girls were mean to Fantine and then the girls started fighting and the mayor split them up, then the owner throwed her out and throwed her some money and then some people came and they cut off her hair and I don't want to say the other one. It weirded me out.

Chuckie: What was it?

Molly: I don't want to say it.

Chuckie: It's okay, you can say it.

Molly: When he took out her teeth.

Chuckie: Why did that weird you out?

Molly: I have no idea.

Chuckie: Okay, then what happened next?

Molly: That guy was being mean to her and throwing snow down her shirt and she scratched him and then the police officer came and they each said a story and they were taking her to jail and the police officer didn't care that she had a daughter. But Jean Valjean saved her from going to jail. Then Fantine died. Then... um... (she starts humming songs to remember) Then her daughter went to the well because of her babysitter and Jean Valjean met her and he took her back and he paid for her and she grew up and met... um... I forget his name.

Chuckie: Marius?

Molly: Yeah. Then he made a bear in a cage?

Chuckie: A bear in a cage?

Molly: Yeah. Where they made the wall.

Chuckie: Barricade.

Molly: Oh. That makes more sense. I thought that they were saying that they were making a bear in a cage.

Chuckie: What happened at the barricade?

Molly: Everybody died but Marius.

Chuckie: Alright. Then what happened?

Molly: Jean Valjean saved Marius. Then Javert saw him and let him go because he saw that he was doing something good and then he decided to go off a cliff.

Chuckie: Why did Javert kill himself?

Molly: Because he believed in the law too much and he thought the law was always right, but it wasn't good because Jean Valjean was doing good and if he was good, then the law wasn't good, but that was what he believed, so he decided to jump off the cliff.

Chuckie: That's why I love you, little girl.

Molly: It's a good thing Javert didn't meet the priest because the priest was the goodest person, but he lied. Jean Valjean really did steal the silver. So Javert should put the priest in jail for lying, but the priest was good because everyone else was mean.

Chuckie: Alright. Let's talk about some of the characters.

Molly: Wait. We didn't finish the story. Then they lived happily ever after.

Chuckie: Okay. So, tell me about Jean Valjean.

Molly: He was a good-slash-bad person. He robbed a house. He broke a window. He pretended to be a mayor, so he lied to the police about it, but he saved Marius for good.

Chuckie: Tell me about Javert.

Molly: He didn't mean any harm. He was just doing his job. Then he just fell off a cliff.

Chuckie: Now, I like to consider that the true emphasis of the story is the relationship between Valjean and Javert and Victor Hugo's struggles with criticisms of Catholicism. Javert was born in sin, being born in a jail, and he was unforgiving and knew only of rigid structure and law. Meanwhile, Valjean represents Christianity's forgiveness and redemption. He was cast in sin, but redeemed himself and was a good person. This conflict is the story. This conflict is also the take of two different views of religion.

Molly: Okay. I just want to be half-Canadian.

Chuckie: Um. Alright.

Molly: Stars, moons and suns and clowns?

Chuckie: Sure. How many stars would you give Les Misérables?

Molly: Les Miz.

Chuckie: Les Miz.

Molly: Fourteen.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: I just want it to be fourteen because it rhymes with Éponine. Also fifteen does.

Chuckie: Alright. So how many moons do you give it?

Molly: Sixty-one out of forty-one.

Chuckie: So, you give it twenty more moons than the most it could have?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Alright. How many suns?

Molly: A hundred and forty-five out of sixty-one.

Chuckie: And how many clowns?

Molly: A house.

Chuckie: What does that mean?

Molly: It means the numbers are in a house.

Chuckie: What does that mean?

Molly: Like a house number. Out of an egg. With a seven in it.

Chuckie: So, who do you think would like the movie?

Molly: Um, Edison. Maybe Mason. Uncle Neil. Uncle BJ. Grandmom and Pop Pop and Grammy and Pappy.

Chuckie: Well, I mean, what kind of people.

Molly: My family.

Chuckie: Alright. Fair enough.

Molly: Maybe Neveah. Maybe Ellen. Maybe Julie and Acacia and Amber.

Chuckie: So, who was your favorite character?

Molly: I have two. Um, Éponine and... um... the other girl.

Chuckie: Cosette?

Molly: Yeah. Her.

Chuckie: And what was your favorite song?

Molly: Um, the one where Éponine is standing behind Marius.

Chuckie: Huh?

Molly: At his house. Where she's standing behind him.

Chuckie: Oh. I thought it would be Lovely Ladies.

Molly: That's my second favorite song.

Chuckie: Is there anything else you wanted to say about the movie?

Molly: Yes. Gavroche didn't really run the town.

So, that's our review. So often musical theater doesn't translate to the movie screen. There is a different feel to it. Musical theater often breaks the fourth wall in such a subtle way that it isn't noticed. However, breaking the fourth wall in movies is often jarring and odd. Overall, Les Misérables didn't do a bad job, especially when you compare it to movie versions of Phantom of the Opera (terrible) and even Rent (which just doesn't charge the viewer the way a live performance of it charges the audience). Still, considering how hesitant I was with everything that could have been done wrong with this attempt of translation, I suppose I'm not disappointed with the result.

I'd give the movie version of Les Misérables four stars out of five. While Crowe doesn't exactly pull off the vocals needed for the role, the symbolism and directing of the character save him from falling into unforgivable mediocrity. He still has presence, though it is just not with his voice. Still, I would have given the movie another half-star if they fully committed to their apparent casting desires and replaced Marius with a muppet.

When we first saw the movie in the theater, Molly had already become familiar with the soundtrack and we had to keep shutting her up from belting out the songs along with the performance. Her favorite song at the time was "Lovely Ladies" and when Fantine sells herself for sex to the captain in her first viewing, she asked me in the theater what they were doing. I figured the movie theater on Christmas day wasn't the best place for this conversation and I distracted and avoided the question like any good parent knows how to do. Then, watching it at home on Blu-Ray, she asked me again during that scene and I balked and I told her, "Hold on, I really like this next song" and distracted her. Upon her next viewing of it (she's been obsessively watching it on her iPod), she brought it over to me and asked what they were doing again. Exasperated, I told her, "Fantine sold herself to him for sex" and Molly seemed to finally get it as she said, "Oooooooh!" then went back to watching it.

I'm a little afraid to ask her if she knows what that meant since it all seemed to click so well for her.

Molly gives the movie fourteen stars because it rhymes with Éponine. She also gives is sixty-one out of forty-one moons, a hundred and forty-five out of sixty-one suns and a clown with a house number out of an egg with seven in it. She also has a deep understanding of the depth of the character Javert and the struggles that he has with morality versus law and the ultimate conundrum that it presents and his inability to grasp how he can live in a world where the law may not always be just, even though she also thought the students were apparently putting a bear in a cage to protest the King's policies.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Bill S. Preston, Esquire (left) and Ted Theodore Logan (right).

It's not really a secret that I am obsessed with time travel and time travel stories. I can't blame all of it on reading Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. A big part of it probably stems from an early introduction to watching the original Doctor Who series on PBS. When I was 13 or 14 I went to my first fandom convention. It was a Creation Doctor Who convention. I also had a Peter Davidson/Fifth Doctor costume. So, yes. I nerded early and I nerded hard.

Actually, come to think of it, many of my present day interests and likes were shaped by what I used to find on PBS. That's where I watched Doctor Who, Faulty Towers, Monty Python, Nova and tons of other things. Fuck. I should probably renew old pledges and get me a tote bag.

Anyhow, time travel stories have always interested me and I base my life around the premise that at one point in time I may gain access to a time machine. First of all, I have made a solemn vow to myself that I will never visit myself with a time machine. You see, without this promise I as soon as I had access to a time machine, I would invariably go back to an earlier version of myself and give it to me, thus prolonging the amount of time I had it. However, since I have yet to give myself a time machine, I can rule out that I never will get one and thus I would be disappointed. However, by promising that I'd never visit myself, I give myself just enough uncertainty that perhaps I will one day get a time machine, thus I always have hope. Also, very early in our relationship, I made my wife promise to never tell me if an older version of myself ever showed up from the future to have tons of kinky sex with her. Thus, I leave the possibility that at some point in time I may get a time machine and can have lots of crazy sex with a young version of my wife.

Though I suppose I also have created the possibility that some old guy who vaguely looks like me has been secretly banging my wife for years now, but it's still worth it to leave the possibility that I may get a time machine open.

But anyway, Molly loves time travel stories and watches Doctor Who faithfully with us. We have more toy sonic screwdrivers in our house than real screwdrivers (which is occasionally annoying when I have to fix something) and we also have a remote control K-9 unit. When Molly was two, she got a kitchen set for Christmas and I turned the box into a cardboard TARDIS. That thing got more playtime than the kitchen set until it finally fell apart.

Molly's first TARDIS.

So I figured that it was finally time for Molly to see Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. She was ready. Bill and Ted came at a time for me when the original Doctor Who was just ending and it was a surprisingly fun and satisfying time travel movie. 

It is legitimately funny and it still holds up. Watching it again after so many years has rekindled my long-standing crush on Joan of Arc (who was also the guitarist for the Go-Go's). Basically, the plot and everything is rather silly, but it also is possibly the best film representation of a pre-destination paradox that I have seen.

A lot of times when we watch movies at home, it's easier for Molly to get bored or distracted and want to do something else. However, not with this one. I laid on the sofa and she laid on my back and watched it straight through without distraction or interruption. And I'm sure that's because of the time travel. Her interest in time travel is certainly more proof that she is my child than any DNA test could provide.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form. I will transcribe what we say and format it later.)

Chuckie: So what did you think about Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

Molly: That they, um, they didn't do the music as well as wished they would.

Chuckie: That's true. But what did you think about the movie?
Molly: It was good.

Chuckie: What was the movie about?

Molly: It was about, um, two things.

Chuckie: What two things?

Molly: The music and the school work.

Chuckie: Alright, but what happened in the movie?

Molly: They traveled back in time and they saw themselves and they, um, they were pretending to fight swords and one of them fell down the stairs and he fell right out of his suit when he fell down the stairs. And they were getting people from history.

Chuckie: Why were they getting people from history?

Molly: It was for their school work. That way, the history people could talk and they didn't have to.

Chuckie: Yes, I guess that's true. What people did they get?

Molly: Abraham Lincoln. And that guy on Mommy's shirt.

Chuckie: You mean Napoleon?
Molly: Yeah. The one eating a cooking.

Chuckie: Okay, who else?

Molly: Um, two princesses. And they didn't really know about credit cards in the other world because they were from the past and they, they, um... and they didn't know about the mall.

Chuckie: Anyone else they got?

Molly: Eh. Just some other guys.

Chuckie: So you really just focused on Lincoln, Napoleon and the princesses?

Molly: Yeah. That would be weird if they got Lucas Skywalker in there. He's from the past though, Daddy, not the future. Because you said it was a long time ago.

Chuckie: Yeah, good memory, by the way, Sweetie. So what did you like about the movie, Pixie?

Molly: (she laughs to herself) I just remembered a funny part. Where that guy says, "They do get better."

Chuckie: Anything else that you liked about it?

Molly: Mm. No.

Chuckie: So, we waited 90 minutes to get to a single punchline that you liked at the very end of the movie?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Was there anything you didn't like about the movie?

Molly: Wait, I just thought of another funny part. When that guy was telling his speech and said, "High School football rules!"

Chuckie: (laughs) Yeah. That's probably Daddy's favorite part. So, what didn't you like about the movie?

Molly: Probably nothing.

Chuckie: Tell me about the time travel in the movie?

Molly: Um, they tried to fix it with gum because they accidentally broke it because there were too many people in there. And they kept going to different places and that little kid... I think the word is "ditched" Napoleon.

Chuckie: How did they travel in time?

Molly: With a time machine. I think it was a TARDIS. But it didn't look like a TARDIS because it didn't have that light and it had an antenna instead. And it wasn't bigger on the inside, which was a shame because they had a lot of people in it.

Chuckie: Yeah. Their time machine was actually a phone booth. You see, just like England used to have police boxes in the 60's, we used to have phone booths in the 80's.

Molly: Oh.

Chuckie: Alright, so we've watched a lot of time travel stuff now. Do you know what a predestination paradox is?

Molly: Um. It's a box that has paradise in it?

Chuckie: Not quite. It is when something occurs only because of an attempt to go back into time takes place. For example, the whole reason why that future society existed was because they went back into time and gave Bill and Ted the time machine. Thus, if they never did that, they wouldn't have existed. So it was imperative that they went back into time to give them the time machine, otherwise, they would have never existed to give them the time machine. Got it?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: What don't you get about that?

Molly: Well, first I don't know what "occurs" means.

Chuckie: It means happens. So it only happens because they went back in time to make the future happen.

Molly: So why would they disappear and never exist?

Chuckie: Because if they didn't go back in time, their society wouldn't happen. But it must happen because they exist to go back into time to make it so. Got it?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Really?

Molly: I think so.

Chuckie: Explain that back to me.

Molly: That they don't sew.

Chuckie: What?

Molly: You said they make it sew.

Chuckie: No. Oh well, let's try something easier. The Grandfather Paradox. We actually talked about this once before. Do you remember it?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: It is the rule of time travel that says that you cannot go back into time to kill your own grandfather because if he died, you wouldn't be born and therefore you wouldn't exist to go back into time to kill him. Got it?

Molly: I don't want to kill Pop Pop.

Chuckie: That's not the point.

Molly: Oh.

Chuckie: Do you get it though?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Explain it back to me.

Molly: You can't kill Pop Pop if you already died.

Chuckie: Close enough.

Molly: Can I give it stars now?        

Chuckie: Sure. How many stars do you want to give the movie?

Molly: A thousand.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: A hundred.

Chuckie: So, a thousand out of a hundred possible stars?

Molly: Yes. And moons.

Chuckie: How many moons do you give it?

Molly: A hundred out of a thousand.

Chuckie: Okay.

Molly: Also, I want to give it two thumbs and a clown.

Chuckie: Are the thumbs up or down?

Molly: Up I guess. I don't know. Maybe one up and one down. The clown is definitely up though.

Chuckie: Huh?

Molly: He's up and doing stuff. You know, clown stuff. He had his coffee and he has a busy morning ahead of him.

Chuckie: What exactly is "clown stuff"?

Molly: The stuff you do as a clown.

Chuckie: Alright, so what kind of people do you think would like this movie?

Molly: TARDIS fans.

Chuckie: Fair enough, Pixie. Is there anything else that you'd like to say about the movie?

Molly: If I had a time machine I would go back in time so see you and Mommy so I would be in that picture with you guys. (She points to a picture of me and Jessica on our honeymoon posing with Spiderman from our honeymoon.)

Chuckie: You know that was from me and Mommy's honeymoon, right?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Remember we talked about the Grandfather Paradox? If you showed up on our honeymoon, you might not be born.

Molly: Okay. Then I'd take my time machine to Knoebels instead.

Chuckie: Yeah, that's probably safer.

So, that's our review. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is a cult classic and for a stupid, silly movie, it actually had some of the more intelligent looks at time travel's use that I've seen in movies. Judging how well this movie went over, I think Molly might be read for "Back to the Future" soon, which will make her mother very happy.

I'm obviously biased because of the time travel theme, but I'd give Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure a solid four out of five stars. I probably would have given it at least another half-star if it wasn't for the fact that this movie lead to Bill and Ted's Excellent Cereal, which (spoiler alert), was not excellent at all.

Molly loved the movie and gave it one thousand out of one hundred starts, one hundred out of one thousand moons, one thumb up, one thumb down and a coffee-laden clown with a busy morning doing "clown stuff". When she first mentioned thumbs, I thought she was finally getting the notion of what rating a movie meant. But then the clown appeared.

A Most Awesome Breakfast Adventure.
Only Urkel-O's beats this for stupid tie-in.

Hotel Transylvania

So, Molly and I decided that we would try our hand at a video review to prove that print is still a viable medium.

Here's a fun drinking game for watching the video:

*Whenever I say "um", take a drink.
*Whenever Molly gives a pregnant pause before responding, drink until she speaks.

Note: Reviews in a Box is not responsible for any cases of Alcohol Poisoning.

The Amazing Spiderman

"Respect women." Words to live by if you don't want to get punched in the face by fat Italian Spiderman.

Alright, so we're doing something a little different for this review. Molly went to see "The Amazing Spiderman" without me, so I have no clue what the movie was like... well, other than all of the previews and trailers that gave away the entire story and plot. I'll be relying on her for the details.

But since I can't really review The Amazing Spiderman (actually, I can: It stinks. There was no need for a reboot other than for Universal to hold the property rights of the Spiderman license, so the movie really is nothing but a soulless movie cashgrab to hold a valuable property), I have instead to review something else. I will stay on theme and do a short review of "The Italian Spiderman".

Holy fuck! If you have not seen the Italian Spiderman, watch it. I will provide the links. It blows away any adaptation of Spiderman I have ever seen. Seriously. The Italian Spiderman is a chauvinistic, womanizing fat man who doesn't so much shoot people with webs as he does shoot them in the face with a shotgun. I will provide a couple of links, but it is definitely worth watching.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form. I will transcribe what we say and format it later.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think of the Amazing Spiderman?

Molly: That most stuff didn't pop out.

Chuckie: Did you see it in 3-D?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Did you wear your glasses during the movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Through the whole thing?

Molly: Well, I took them off a couple of times. During the scary parts. Because one part a guy was turning into a scary monster.

Chuckie: Well, that might explain why things didn't pop out.

Molly: Yeah, but it looked like a monster trying to eat me.

Chuckie: Okay, but anyhow, did you like the movie?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Now, I didn't see it. So can you tell me what happened in it?

Molly: Okay. (A very long pause.)

Chuckie: Um. Now?

Molly: First it started at commercials, like aways.

Chuckie: You mean movie previews?

Molly: Yeah. And, Daddy, I have a question.

Chuckie: Sure, Sweetie.

Molly: Why does the commercial always say "Buy your tickets on Fangdango."?

Chuckie: Well, my guess is that by ordering your tickets online ahead of time, the movie theaters have less of a crowd at the box office and therefore can hire fewer people. Also, the movie companies are happy because it gives preliminary numbers for their movies and the money goes to them even if the people end up not making it.

Molly: I like puppet puppy in the commercial. It's pink.

Chuckie: Okay, back to the movie. What happened after the commercials?

Molly: The movie started to start.

Chuckie: Okay...

Molly: I saw Spiderman and he wanted to hang out with a girl.

Chuckie: Was this before he was Spiderman and had the costume?

Molly: No. It wasn't Spiderman just like then. After his dad died, he started to be Spiderman. But he didn't have the black eye things. The next day he made them.

Chuckie: Okay. So, how did his dad die?

Molly: Since there was like a bad guy who had like... he gave him a soda and he killed his dad and he had a star on him. And that's when he started to become Spiderman. Wait, not his dad. It was his uncle. That's why I got confused. Because his uncle lived with him.

Chuckie: So, wait. The bad guy had a star on him or a scar?

Molly: STAR.

Chuckie: What kind of star?

Molly: I don't know. I can't remember.

Chuckie: What it a yellow star?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: That's good. Daddy would have been really confused if a Holocaust Jew killed Uncle Ben.

Molly: No, it was a Captain America star. Like you make a triangle with two lines like that. It wasn't colored in. But there was a black outline to draw it.

Chuckie: So he gave him a soda then killed him?

Molly: No. His dad. He gave Spiderman the soda. And he killed his grandpa. No dad. No uncle. I keep getting confused.

Chuckie: Okay. Why did he kill him though?

Molly: I don't know. Since's he a bad guy and a car keeper.

Chuckie: Car Keeper?

Molly: Like he steals cars. Like he's a bad guy.

Chuckie: Okay. So, after his uncle dies, then Peter Parker decides to be Spiderman?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: What did Spiderman do?

Molly: Saved people's lives. Shoot webs so people couldn't die. Because cars were going to fall and he shooted his web. And do you want to know why that happened? Because his teacher turned into a lizard. A giant lizard. I am not making this stuff up, Daddy.

Chuckie: Really?

Molly: Yeah. He used a kind of liquid. A science liquid. He was a scientist. A bad, bad scientist. Ask Grammy if you don't believe me. Or Mason. Besides, I was there and you weren't.

Chuckie: Okay, fine. So, what was the scientist lizard trying to do?

Molly: Trying to destroy Peter Parker.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: I don't know. I guess being a lizard messed with his mind. But I think he was secretly bad before he turned into a lizard.

Chuckie: So, you said that Spiderman was trying to hang out with a girl, right?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Who was the girl?

Molly: I don't know. She had blonde hair and a ponytail. I don't know her name though.

Chuckie: Gwen?

Molly: Yeah! How do you know, Daddy?

Chuckie: Daddy used to read a lot of Spiderman comic books.

Molly: Can you give one to me?

Chuckie: I don't have them anymore, but maybe we can get a few for you.

Molly: Yay!

Chuckie: Anyhow, did Gwen find out that Peter Parker was really Spiderman in the movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: How did she react?

Molly: She was fine with it. But she was a little bit worried because her dad was a cop and he wanted to kill Spiderman.

Chuckie: Why did her dad want to kill Spiderman?

Molly: I don't know. Maybe because they thought he was being bad sometimes. But the police weren't doing their job and Spiderman was and he was mad. Spiderman shot a guy with web and I laughed because the police should have put handcuffs on him instead.

Chuckie: Okay. Wow. I think you probably got the relationships in the movie right. But what happened in the movie? What was the plot?

Molly: Plot? Can I talk about cots instead?

Chuckie: Uh.

Molly: A cot is something that you sleep on at school. Not your big school, but your little school. For naps when you aren't a schoolager.

Chuckie: Okay. Can we talk about the plot though?

Molly: COT!

Chuckie: Alright, fine. So, what happened to the lizard scientist at the end of the movie?

Molly: He turned back into a human.

Chuckie: How?

IMolly: don't know! There's a crazy liquid. Another science liquid, I guess. He's all about science. Oh, and the cop who tried to kill Spiderman died. He tried to save Spiderman, but he died. And people can change feelings in a movie. Don't ask me why, but they can.

Chuckie: Did the cop find out that Spiderman was Peter Parker?

Molly: Yeah. I think so. Maybe he took his mask off, or maybe he didn't. Maybe he did it when he wasn't on the movie screen and they were showing other stuff.

Chuckie: Well, that would be an important plot point to miss.

Molly: Cot point.

Chuckie: Fine. Anyhow, how would you rate the movie?

Molly: Good. Oh! Wait! Stars! Twenty four stars! "Out of how many?" you say.

Chuckie: Yeah. Out of how many?

Molly: I would've gaven it three. And moons. But nothing else today. Just stars and moons.

Chuckie: Alright. How many moons do you give it?

Molly: Um. Seven.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Out of Clown Vercury?

Chuckie: Clown Vercury?

Molly: Clown Vercury.

Chuckie: What is Vercury?

Molly: It's Vercruy.

Chuckie: Clown Vercury?

Molly: Yes, like the planet. Clown Vercury.

Chuckie: Mercury?

Molly: Oh! Yes. Mercury. Out of Clown Mercury.

Chuckie: What the hell is Clown Mercury?

Molly: I just thought of a Clown on Mercury.

Chuckie: So, seven moons out of Clown Mercury?

Molly: Mm-hm.

Chuckie: So, who do you think would like this movie, Pixie?

Molly: Um. I know that Mason will because he likes Spiderman.

Chuckie: Well, he went with you to see it, Sweetie. Did he like it?

Molly: Yeah, I think so. But he doesn't review movies.

Chuckie: Did he seem to like it?

Molly: I think.

Chuckie: Who else would like the movie?

Molly: Grammy and Pappy.

Chuckie: They went too. I meant what kind of people who haven't seen it yet. You know what, never mind, do you think I would like the movie, Sweetie?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: Since I think you like Spiderman. And boys would usually like it.

Chuckie: But what do you think I would like most about the movie?

Molly: That Spiderman saved a little kid.

Chuckie: Do you think Mommy would like the movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: Um, I think because you guys like superheroes. Like you like Captain America and Mommy likes Thor. And I thought maybe you guys could do a little mix up with the superheroes you liked.

Chuckie: Fair enough. What do you think Mommy would like most about the movie?

Molly: Um. That if she rented the movie, she could like it in three ways. She could have Spiderman and Thor on the same team. Or she could have Spiderman and Thor fight each other. Or should could have Spiderman have Thor's hammer.

Chuckie: Um. You know if you rent a movie, you can't change the story and plot like that though.

Molly: No. If you have a movie screen like Pop Pop has, you can do whatever you want on the movie. He makes the popcorn though. But Mommy could borrow his movie screen and do whatever she wanted on it.

Chuckie: No. Rented movies don't work like that. We couldn't take our movie of the Little Mermaid and put it on Pop Pop's movie screen and make her go into space.

Molly: Why would anybody want to do that? Make a mermaid go into outer space? That makes no sense.

Chuckie: That's irrelevant. The point is that you can't change it.

Molly: How about if nobody is on your team and nobody noticed. Like if you put it on a movie screen and nobody saw it. Then you wouldn't know what was happening on it and maybe it was like that.

Chuckie: Schrödinger's movie?

Molly: No, like two years ago.

Chuckie: What?

Molly: Like, you could... I nobody is working with you and you said that the movie was in the theaters and you were actually lying and then he said that was two years and they think that and they never saw it, so then, you'd just get away with it. And that's what I'm doing with Mommy's part.

Chuckie: I have no idea what you mean. Do you mean lie about the movie and say something happened, but didn't?

Molly: Yes. And then you could just get away with it.

Chuckie: So Mommy would like the movie if we told her that Spiderman and Thor were in it together?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: But then she couldn't ever see it or else she'll know we made it up.

Molly: But let's see if I can get away with that.

Chuckie: Alright. Anything else you'd like to say about the movie, Pixie?

Molly: Even though I gave it Clown Planet Mercury, it still wasn't in the show. So don't think that Clown Planet Mercury will be in it if you see it.

So, that's our review. I haven't seen it, but I can easily guess at the formulaic cash grab that is presented. I'm sure it's mildly entertaining in a popcorn movie kind of way, but probably nothing in the way of depth of "The Italian Spiderman". Molly liked it and remembered the plot a week after seeing it. If anything, I think this shows how simplistic the movie is since usually I have trouble having her remember stuff the day after seeing a movie.

I would give "The Amazing Spiderman" more credit if part way through the movie, they rebooted it and started the origin over again and replaced all of the actors without explanation. However, I didn't see it, so I don't know if that actually happened. So, instead, watch The Italian Spiderman.

Molly gives it twenty four out of three stars and seven moons out of Clown Mercury which is, actually, just a clown on Mercury. I think she also hits a very solid point with her comments on whether or not her mother would like the movie: If you don't see it and instead just pretend stuff that you like is in it, you will probably like the movie a lot better than if you saw it. I think this is probably the most true of a review she has ever written. Except the Clown Mercury part because what the fuck?

And for those interested, here is a link to the first episode of the Italian Spiderman. It is worth watching and you can follow the links through youtube for the rest of the episodes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvNLlwkwP64

Katy Perry: Part of Me

The Doctor's deadliest foes.

Dear Future Molly,

Part of why I have enjoyed writing these review with you is that I think it will be a fun thing for you to look back upon when you are older. You can see how fun you were as a little kid and hopefully you can see the fun I had with you when you read these reviews when you are older.

That being said, I took you to see Katy Perry: Part of Me today. I took you because Mommy did not want to see it, despite you playing tons of Katy Perry songs on your computer for her. After each song, you would ask her, "Did you know that Katy Perry" did this song? And when Mommy would feign surprise, you would then ask, "So do you want to see the movie now?" Mommy's answer was always no.

As a result, I decided that I would take you to see the movie. I only tell you all of this, Future Molly, because this the standard by which each and all of the Father's Day presents I receive from you from this point on will be judged.

Just thought that you should be aware.

Love,

Daddy

I was not looking forward to the movie, but actually, it wasn't that bad. I'm still not exactly what you would call a Katy Perry fanatic, but the movie was surprisingly entertaining and interesting enough.

Essentially the movie follows Katy Perry around for a yearlong tour and you see some stuff on stage, interspersed with backstage stuff as well as interviews with families and friends of Katy Perry. The end result is a movie that has a somewhat inspirational message for young girls to be themselves. Considering the fact that these messages are few and far between these days, I have to say that I admire it for that.

Basically, it's more than a concert footage film, but less than a real in-depth bio pic. But ultimately, if you're a Katy Perry fan, it's fun. And if you're ambivalent toward her music, but have a kid who is a Katy Perry fan, it's worth taking them to just to see how they enjoy it and to share something with them. Even if it forces you to be unsure of how to react when your five-year old daughter hops out of her seat and points at the screen to sing along, singing out, "I want to see your Peacock-cock-cock!"

Molly: (As, usual Molly is next to me as I type this on the computer. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form. I will transcribe what we say and format it later.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think of the movie "Katy Perry: Part of Me"?

Molly: I liked it.

Chuckie: What did you like about it?

Molly: That she had one of my dance recital songs in it.

Chuckie: "Firework"?

Molly: Uh-huh.

Chuckie: Well, that song was only a small part of the movie. What else did you like about it?

Molly: That it was fun to watch.

Chuckie: What made it fun?

Molly: That she looked like a Dalek.

Chuckie: What do you mean?

Molly: Like remember how her dress made her kind of look like a Dalek. I told you that in the theater, Dad.

Chuckie: I know, I just wanted you to say it here. What did you think about the songs in the movie?

Molly: I liked all of the songs. But "Firework" was my favorite one.

Chuckie: I saw you bopping and dancing and singing along to a bunch of the songs.

Molly: Yeah. Because I liked them.

Chuckie: Yes, it was very strange to see you hop out of your seat and point at the screen and sing "I want to see your Peacock-cock-cock."

Molly: I like that song.

Chuckie: What do you like about it?

Molly: The lyrics.

Chuckie: So, can you tell me what the movie was about?

Molly: Katy Perry.

Chuckie: Well, yes, but what was she doing in it?

Molly: Singing songs and dancing.

Chuckie: True. But it was following her through a yearlong tour. And showing clips from all of the places she sang and some of what happened backstage.

Molly: Okaaaaay. But I just liked the song bits.

Chuckie: Can you tell me a little more about Katy Perry now and who she is?

Molly: She's popular.

Chuckie: That's true. Anything else?

Molly: She's a girl. Or a gal. You can use either of them, Daddy. You use girls when you are saying "boys and girls" and you use gals if you are saying "gals and boys". So they both mean the same thing, it's just how you use them.

Chuckie: Okay. But I knew she was a girl before we went to the movie.

Molly: Or a gal.

Chuckie: Okay. Regardless. I understood that she had a vagina before we saw the movie. What did you learn from the movie about her though?

Molly: Her and her husband broke up. And I didn't even know that she had a husband before that.

Chuckie: There we go. And how did the break up effect her?

Molly: Like special effects?

Chuckie: What? No. Like how did the break up make her feel and what did she do?

Molly: She felt sad and she cried, but she kept performing.

Chuckie: Did you learn anything else about Katy Perry?

Molly: Um, she sang songs when she was a kid.

Chuckie: Okay, fair enough. Did you find that the movie was inspirational?

Molly: What does that mean?

Chuckie: Like that it inspired you to do something or that you could be something.

Molly: For Halloween? Because I want to be Katy Perry for Halloween now.

Chuckie: Not exactly what I meant, but it works. Does that mean you don't want to be Merida anymore?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: So, what would your Katy Perry Halloween costume be like?

Molly: Her having blue hair. A costume that is like one of her dresses, like the one... one of the... like the one... um, the one... not the striped one, the one before that one.

Chuckie: Okay. I don't remember which one that was.

Molly: I don't either, I know that I liked it. That's all that I remember.

Chuckie: Wow. Okay. But speaking of dresses, one of the early songs in the movie had a bunch of costume changes during it. What were you telling me during the movie about it?

Molly: It's a trick.

Chuckie: What do you mean?

Molly: Well, there's like two ways that I think she could do it. Number one that I just thought of, um, well, I thought that she gets in the bag and she takes her clothes off and she paints them black and then she glues them so that they can stick on the inside of the bag. And there's like new clothes in there and she puts them on real quick.

Chuckie: That's one way.

Molly: Number two is that she took her clothes off and she put the new ones on because they were already in the bag.

Chuckie: Okay.

Molly: Oh! Daddy, I have another idea. Number three is that she got into the bag and, um, um, she, um, and she liked, um, used the snapping power like this guy did in a commercial where he snapped his fingers and everything changed.

Chuckie: Well, first of all, I love that you are debunking the quick-change "magic", Pixie.

Molly: Thank you, Daddy. Maybe she should be on Penn and Teller.

Chuckie: Well, I'll tell you the trick behind quick change acts. She wears clothes over top of her other clothes so she just has to take them off real quick and she's already wearing the next outfit underneath of it.

Molly: Oh yeah! But Daddy you can't put that in our review because people will know the trick then.

Chuckie: You are the best, Sweetie. I'll make sure to edit that out.

Molly: Thanks, Daddy.

Chuckie: Alright, so how would you rate the movie?

Molly: Like giving it stars and stuff?

Chuckie: Yeah, however you want to rate it.

Molly: Um. I'd like to give it, um, ten stars.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: I would have gaven it nine.

Chuckie: So, ten out of nine stars?

Molly: Yeah. Um, moons too.

Chuckie: How many moons would you give it?

Molly: Eleven.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Six. Now fireworks.

Chuckie: Alright, how many fireworks do you give the movie?

Molly: (sings) Baby, you're a fiiiiirework! Oh, oh oh! (stops singing) Twelve out of twenty.

Chuckie: Okay.

Molly: Suns, Daddy!

Chuckie: Alright, how many suns do you give it?

Molly: I give it thirty. I would have gaven it forty.

Chuckie: Then why didn't you?

Molly: Just wanted to.

Chuckie: Alright, so out of how many suns?

Molly: Thirty.

Chuckie: So, what kind of people do you think would like this movie?

Molly: Thousands, maybe.

Chuckie: Alright. But why kinds of people will those thousands be?

Molly: Old people and young people. And by older people I mean people older than me and by young people I mean people younger than me.

Chuckie: Fair enough. Do you think that there are people who wouldn't like this movie?

Molly: Yeah. Like maybe Mason. And Lenin. Because Lenin's just a baby and babies don't like older kids stuff.

Chuckie: Do you think Mommy would have liked this movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Even though she didn't want to see it?

Molly: I think maybe she'd like it, since she didn't know what it was going to be about so she was just guessing that she wouldn't like it and maybe she was wrong.

Chuckie: Anything else you'd like to say about the movie, Pixie?

Molly: That it was pretty cool to watch. But it would have been cooler if we could have got to watch it in the massage chairs. The End. That's my review.

So that's our review. While my level of ambivalence toward Katy Perry's music remains roughly the same, I have to admit that the movie wasn't that bad to sit through. Really, it's nice to see a positive empowering message toward young girls in a movie, but it is a shame that this is one of the few places where you see it.

The movie is obviously designed for the Katy Perry fan, but as a father of a Perry fan, I'd have to give the experience two and a half out of five stars, though I probably would have given it another half-star if not for the film making me wonder if I should stop my daughter from asking to see someone's peacock-cock-cock.

Molly loved the movie and gave it ten out of nine stars, eleven out of six moons, twelve out of twenty fireworks and thirty out of thirty suns. She also thinks that Katy Perry's quick-change act is good enough to go on Penn and Teller's Fool Us (it's not), and now knows with little mistaking that Katy Perry has bangs and not fangs.