The Amazing Spiderman

"Respect women." Words to live by if you don't want to get punched in the face by fat Italian Spiderman.

Alright, so we're doing something a little different for this review. Molly went to see "The Amazing Spiderman" without me, so I have no clue what the movie was like... well, other than all of the previews and trailers that gave away the entire story and plot. I'll be relying on her for the details.

But since I can't really review The Amazing Spiderman (actually, I can: It stinks. There was no need for a reboot other than for Universal to hold the property rights of the Spiderman license, so the movie really is nothing but a soulless movie cashgrab to hold a valuable property), I have instead to review something else. I will stay on theme and do a short review of "The Italian Spiderman".

Holy fuck! If you have not seen the Italian Spiderman, watch it. I will provide the links. It blows away any adaptation of Spiderman I have ever seen. Seriously. The Italian Spiderman is a chauvinistic, womanizing fat man who doesn't so much shoot people with webs as he does shoot them in the face with a shotgun. I will provide a couple of links, but it is definitely worth watching.

Molly: (As usual, Molly is sitting next to me as I type this. Because of her age, her portion of the review will be in Q&A form. I will transcribe what we say and format it later.)

Chuckie: So, what did you think of the Amazing Spiderman?

Molly: That most stuff didn't pop out.

Chuckie: Did you see it in 3-D?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Did you wear your glasses during the movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Through the whole thing?

Molly: Well, I took them off a couple of times. During the scary parts. Because one part a guy was turning into a scary monster.

Chuckie: Well, that might explain why things didn't pop out.

Molly: Yeah, but it looked like a monster trying to eat me.

Chuckie: Okay, but anyhow, did you like the movie?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Now, I didn't see it. So can you tell me what happened in it?

Molly: Okay. (A very long pause.)

Chuckie: Um. Now?

Molly: First it started at commercials, like aways.

Chuckie: You mean movie previews?

Molly: Yeah. And, Daddy, I have a question.

Chuckie: Sure, Sweetie.

Molly: Why does the commercial always say "Buy your tickets on Fangdango."?

Chuckie: Well, my guess is that by ordering your tickets online ahead of time, the movie theaters have less of a crowd at the box office and therefore can hire fewer people. Also, the movie companies are happy because it gives preliminary numbers for their movies and the money goes to them even if the people end up not making it.

Molly: I like puppet puppy in the commercial. It's pink.

Chuckie: Okay, back to the movie. What happened after the commercials?

Molly: The movie started to start.

Chuckie: Okay...

Molly: I saw Spiderman and he wanted to hang out with a girl.

Chuckie: Was this before he was Spiderman and had the costume?

Molly: No. It wasn't Spiderman just like then. After his dad died, he started to be Spiderman. But he didn't have the black eye things. The next day he made them.

Chuckie: Okay. So, how did his dad die?

Molly: Since there was like a bad guy who had like... he gave him a soda and he killed his dad and he had a star on him. And that's when he started to become Spiderman. Wait, not his dad. It was his uncle. That's why I got confused. Because his uncle lived with him.

Chuckie: So, wait. The bad guy had a star on him or a scar?

Molly: STAR.

Chuckie: What kind of star?

Molly: I don't know. I can't remember.

Chuckie: What it a yellow star?

Molly: No.

Chuckie: That's good. Daddy would have been really confused if a Holocaust Jew killed Uncle Ben.

Molly: No, it was a Captain America star. Like you make a triangle with two lines like that. It wasn't colored in. But there was a black outline to draw it.

Chuckie: So he gave him a soda then killed him?

Molly: No. His dad. He gave Spiderman the soda. And he killed his grandpa. No dad. No uncle. I keep getting confused.

Chuckie: Okay. Why did he kill him though?

Molly: I don't know. Since's he a bad guy and a car keeper.

Chuckie: Car Keeper?

Molly: Like he steals cars. Like he's a bad guy.

Chuckie: Okay. So, after his uncle dies, then Peter Parker decides to be Spiderman?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: What did Spiderman do?

Molly: Saved people's lives. Shoot webs so people couldn't die. Because cars were going to fall and he shooted his web. And do you want to know why that happened? Because his teacher turned into a lizard. A giant lizard. I am not making this stuff up, Daddy.

Chuckie: Really?

Molly: Yeah. He used a kind of liquid. A science liquid. He was a scientist. A bad, bad scientist. Ask Grammy if you don't believe me. Or Mason. Besides, I was there and you weren't.

Chuckie: Okay, fine. So, what was the scientist lizard trying to do?

Molly: Trying to destroy Peter Parker.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: I don't know. I guess being a lizard messed with his mind. But I think he was secretly bad before he turned into a lizard.

Chuckie: So, you said that Spiderman was trying to hang out with a girl, right?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Who was the girl?

Molly: I don't know. She had blonde hair and a ponytail. I don't know her name though.

Chuckie: Gwen?

Molly: Yeah! How do you know, Daddy?

Chuckie: Daddy used to read a lot of Spiderman comic books.

Molly: Can you give one to me?

Chuckie: I don't have them anymore, but maybe we can get a few for you.

Molly: Yay!

Chuckie: Anyhow, did Gwen find out that Peter Parker was really Spiderman in the movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: How did she react?

Molly: She was fine with it. But she was a little bit worried because her dad was a cop and he wanted to kill Spiderman.

Chuckie: Why did her dad want to kill Spiderman?

Molly: I don't know. Maybe because they thought he was being bad sometimes. But the police weren't doing their job and Spiderman was and he was mad. Spiderman shot a guy with web and I laughed because the police should have put handcuffs on him instead.

Chuckie: Okay. Wow. I think you probably got the relationships in the movie right. But what happened in the movie? What was the plot?

Molly: Plot? Can I talk about cots instead?

Chuckie: Uh.

Molly: A cot is something that you sleep on at school. Not your big school, but your little school. For naps when you aren't a schoolager.

Chuckie: Okay. Can we talk about the plot though?

Molly: COT!

Chuckie: Alright, fine. So, what happened to the lizard scientist at the end of the movie?

Molly: He turned back into a human.

Chuckie: How?

IMolly: don't know! There's a crazy liquid. Another science liquid, I guess. He's all about science. Oh, and the cop who tried to kill Spiderman died. He tried to save Spiderman, but he died. And people can change feelings in a movie. Don't ask me why, but they can.

Chuckie: Did the cop find out that Spiderman was Peter Parker?

Molly: Yeah. I think so. Maybe he took his mask off, or maybe he didn't. Maybe he did it when he wasn't on the movie screen and they were showing other stuff.

Chuckie: Well, that would be an important plot point to miss.

Molly: Cot point.

Chuckie: Fine. Anyhow, how would you rate the movie?

Molly: Good. Oh! Wait! Stars! Twenty four stars! "Out of how many?" you say.

Chuckie: Yeah. Out of how many?

Molly: I would've gaven it three. And moons. But nothing else today. Just stars and moons.

Chuckie: Alright. How many moons do you give it?

Molly: Um. Seven.

Chuckie: Out of how many?

Molly: Out of Clown Vercury?

Chuckie: Clown Vercury?

Molly: Clown Vercury.

Chuckie: What is Vercury?

Molly: It's Vercruy.

Chuckie: Clown Vercury?

Molly: Yes, like the planet. Clown Vercury.

Chuckie: Mercury?

Molly: Oh! Yes. Mercury. Out of Clown Mercury.

Chuckie: What the hell is Clown Mercury?

Molly: I just thought of a Clown on Mercury.

Chuckie: So, seven moons out of Clown Mercury?

Molly: Mm-hm.

Chuckie: So, who do you think would like this movie, Pixie?

Molly: Um. I know that Mason will because he likes Spiderman.

Chuckie: Well, he went with you to see it, Sweetie. Did he like it?

Molly: Yeah, I think so. But he doesn't review movies.

Chuckie: Did he seem to like it?

Molly: I think.

Chuckie: Who else would like the movie?

Molly: Grammy and Pappy.

Chuckie: They went too. I meant what kind of people who haven't seen it yet. You know what, never mind, do you think I would like the movie, Sweetie?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: Since I think you like Spiderman. And boys would usually like it.

Chuckie: But what do you think I would like most about the movie?

Molly: That Spiderman saved a little kid.

Chuckie: Do you think Mommy would like the movie?

Molly: Yeah.

Chuckie: Why?

Molly: Um, I think because you guys like superheroes. Like you like Captain America and Mommy likes Thor. And I thought maybe you guys could do a little mix up with the superheroes you liked.

Chuckie: Fair enough. What do you think Mommy would like most about the movie?

Molly: Um. That if she rented the movie, she could like it in three ways. She could have Spiderman and Thor on the same team. Or she could have Spiderman and Thor fight each other. Or should could have Spiderman have Thor's hammer.

Chuckie: Um. You know if you rent a movie, you can't change the story and plot like that though.

Molly: No. If you have a movie screen like Pop Pop has, you can do whatever you want on the movie. He makes the popcorn though. But Mommy could borrow his movie screen and do whatever she wanted on it.

Chuckie: No. Rented movies don't work like that. We couldn't take our movie of the Little Mermaid and put it on Pop Pop's movie screen and make her go into space.

Molly: Why would anybody want to do that? Make a mermaid go into outer space? That makes no sense.

Chuckie: That's irrelevant. The point is that you can't change it.

Molly: How about if nobody is on your team and nobody noticed. Like if you put it on a movie screen and nobody saw it. Then you wouldn't know what was happening on it and maybe it was like that.

Chuckie: Schrödinger's movie?

Molly: No, like two years ago.

Chuckie: What?

Molly: Like, you could... I nobody is working with you and you said that the movie was in the theaters and you were actually lying and then he said that was two years and they think that and they never saw it, so then, you'd just get away with it. And that's what I'm doing with Mommy's part.

Chuckie: I have no idea what you mean. Do you mean lie about the movie and say something happened, but didn't?

Molly: Yes. And then you could just get away with it.

Chuckie: So Mommy would like the movie if we told her that Spiderman and Thor were in it together?

Molly: Yes.

Chuckie: But then she couldn't ever see it or else she'll know we made it up.

Molly: But let's see if I can get away with that.

Chuckie: Alright. Anything else you'd like to say about the movie, Pixie?

Molly: Even though I gave it Clown Planet Mercury, it still wasn't in the show. So don't think that Clown Planet Mercury will be in it if you see it.

So, that's our review. I haven't seen it, but I can easily guess at the formulaic cash grab that is presented. I'm sure it's mildly entertaining in a popcorn movie kind of way, but probably nothing in the way of depth of "The Italian Spiderman". Molly liked it and remembered the plot a week after seeing it. If anything, I think this shows how simplistic the movie is since usually I have trouble having her remember stuff the day after seeing a movie.

I would give "The Amazing Spiderman" more credit if part way through the movie, they rebooted it and started the origin over again and replaced all of the actors without explanation. However, I didn't see it, so I don't know if that actually happened. So, instead, watch The Italian Spiderman.

Molly gives it twenty four out of three stars and seven moons out of Clown Mercury which is, actually, just a clown on Mercury. I think she also hits a very solid point with her comments on whether or not her mother would like the movie: If you don't see it and instead just pretend stuff that you like is in it, you will probably like the movie a lot better than if you saw it. I think this is probably the most true of a review she has ever written. Except the Clown Mercury part because what the fuck?

And for those interested, here is a link to the first episode of the Italian Spiderman. It is worth watching and you can follow the links through youtube for the rest of the episodes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvNLlwkwP64