Me: I didn't really have too high of expectations for Alice in Wonderland going into it. I wanted to like it, but didn't think that I would. You see, here's a dirty little secret that I've come to realize only somewhat recently. Tim Burton is a shit director. Let's break it down and think about that for a moment.
I loved Nightmare Before Christmas, however, that wasn't directed by Burton. It was based on characters he created, but he produced it. That's it. Now for every decent movie Burton really directed, I can name a bunch of other ones that were shit.
What good movies did he direct and what shit movies off-set those you ask?
• Pee-wee's Big Adventure was good and fun. However, if you think Burton can do a fun, light movie geared for kids, you need to consider Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which was utter crap and a terrible remake of a great movie.
• Batman does not stand up very well, but I will give it a passing grade because it at least made Gotham City seem like a comic book city. However, Batman Returns shits on that legacy and off-sets any positive in the vision in the first movie by the sheer crap of the second. And if you think that Batman Returns really wasn't that bad, you haven't seen it in a while. Watch it again. It stinks. So they cancel one another out and Burton cannot do good, dark comic book movies.
• Beetle Juice shows that he can make a fun, off-kilterly dark movie. Well, Mars Attacks proves that he can wreck that theme just as well.
• Well, surely he can tell a touching tale that is fantastic and heartfelt and Big Fish is proof of that. Well, the fantastic attempt at being heartfelt in Corpse Bride was just awful. In fact, I think he wanted to direct it only because people keep assuming he directed Nightmare Before Christmas and James and the Giant Peach. But he didn't. People who are better directors than him did.
• What about gothic suspense tales? Surely he must be good at them? Well, we just assume he is because he's Tim Burton. In reality, Sleepy Hollow was boring and stumbled through a supposed plot and Sweeney Todd was a mediocre rehash of a story, music and theatre presentation that already existed in a far superior vision.
• And while I think that Ed Wood is a truly fun and excellent movie, Tim Burton introduced us to the Planet of the Apes remake. For that alone he should not be forgiven.
• Edward Scissorhands is a unique vision of suburbia and while it is disjointed, I will have to say that overall, it isn't a bad movie. However, he made the Planet of the Apes remake. Yes, I mentioned that in regards to the last movie, but it really was shitty enough to cancel out 3-4 good movies he may have made.
So anyhow, after scientifically proving that Tim Burton is crap by using the above formula of cancellation, I didn't go into Alice in Wonderland expecting much.
Anyhow, Alice in Wonderland falls into an annoying habit that too many retreads of the Wonderland stories do. They don't follow through with Lewis Carroll's books (yes, there were two), but rather lazily just assume that the Disney version was accurate. It wasn't. First of all, most post Disney versions mesh the Queens from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (Queen of Hearts) and the Queen from Through the Looking Glass (the Red Queen who is a chess reference and the counterpart to the White Queen).
Also, I've always wondered why the Hatter has become such an icon of the Wonderland stories. He is never represented correctly in other media. Do you know why they had a continual tea party in the book? Because the Hatter was sentenced to death for "murdering time" by singing horribly to the Queen of Hearts. However, because Time was upset at the attempted murder, he froze the Hatter and company eternally at 6:00 for a forever tea. Still, we always get the wacky and zany Disney version of the Hatter. In the movie Depp lisps a little and tries to be silly and goofy, but it just doesn't work.
Anyhow, Burton's movie is predictable and bland and the entire third act dissolves into an action flick. And a poorly directed one to boot. There is little depth or interest here, but it is a pretty world visually that Burton has created. Still, too many things were done simply because they could be done and not because they were good choices. Depp's eyes were increased in size by 20% or so digitally to give him that look. There was no need for it, however. His overall look was very distracting, in my opinion. And the Red Queen's head was enlarged. This was unnecessary as well and was rather distracting. If it was done to "be true to the illustrations", that would be fine. But if that was the case, then you would think that Burton would have kept the Hatter closer to the illustrations. Also, the movie wasn't made to be 3-D, but that was something that they added after the fact because of Avatar, so that's another visual effect that was completely unnecessary in the film.
However, if you were looking for a dark and gothic vision of Wonderland through more adult eyes, American McGee's Alice (a computer game) has surprisingly done a much, much better job. American McGee's later stuff really sucked though, but Alice caught my attention not because of the (poor) game play, but because the story kept me wanting to find out more, so I would play to clear a level to keep the story going.
Molly: (I will be transcribing as much as I can from what she says. Her review will be given in Q&A form, primarily due to her age. And this is a real transcript of our conversation. She's sitting next to me at my pooter right now. I'll format it afterward.)
Chuckie: What did you think of the movie, Alice in Wonderland?
Molly: Um, I didn't think anything of the movie. I just sleeped.
Chuckie: Okay, fair enough. But you didn't fall asleep until the ending. But what did you think about the parts you were awake for?
Molly: Hm. For the bunny rabbit chasing. He was running. Like this. Runs around the room and ends up over by the teevee. I'm over here now, Daddy.
Chuckie: Okay, Pixie.
Molly: Oh, and the cat, Daddy. He turned his head all around like this. She spins. And he took the man's hat. And they were all like this. Purses her lips and pats them with her fingertip and goes "hmm".
Chuckie: What was the movie about?
Chuckie: What about Alice?
Molly: She was running to get the bunny and she fell. Then the bear monster fighted her and scratched her.
Chuckie: What was your favorite part of the movie?
Chuckie: Was it a good movie?
Chuckie:What was good about it?
Molly: The ending.
Chuckie: I thought you were asleep for the ending.
Molly: Nope. She is lying. She was dead asleep and was awake right up until the actiony fight with the Jabberwocky.
Chuckie:What happened in the movie?
Molly: Look, Daddy, I have ghost hands. Sticks her hands under her white dress that she has been inexplicably wearing over her shoulders this entire time and lifts her hands under the dress and goes "woooooooo" like a ghost.
Chuckie: Ah, yeah. Okay. Um, How would you rate the movie?
Chuckie: What do you mean?
Molly: Nothing at the end.
Chuckie: How many stars would you give the movie?
Molly: Um, five.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Counts to herself for a few moments. Out of fourteen. I want to do the moons
Chuckie: Okay, how many moons would you give the movie?
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of Arctica.
Chuckie: What is it with you and Arctica?
Molly: Chronalonda. That's a new word I just made up for window. We need to do the suns now.
Chuckie: Uh, okay. How many suns would you give the movie?
Molly: Thirteen. Suddenly frantic and waving her hands under her white dress on her shoulders. Wait! I mean fifteen!
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of fourteen.
Chuckie: You know that you gave it more suns than you said it could have, right.
Chuckie: Okay, just checking.
Chuckie: Do you think people should see this movie?
Chuckie: Who do you think would like this movie?
Chuckie: No, no, Pixie. I mean what kinds of people would like this movie.
Molly: Just Molly. And not the other Mollys. Just this Molly.
So there you go. I thought that the movie was dull and predictable. It was visually interesting, but at the same time went overboard with some of the visuals for the sake of doing them. The story was supposed to be a tale of empowerment, but really it just went through the motions of developing Alice as a character and didn't give any real meaning to her empowering. Just as she fought the Jabberwocky because the scroll told her she had to, the character merely became empowered just because the obviousness of the plot dictates that she had to. The epilogue wrapping up the empowerment at the end was also rather silly and forced and was there in lieu of actual character development showing it truly.
I give it a generous two stars out of five.
Molly gave it five out of fourteen stars with ten moons out of Arctica. However, she also gave it fifteen out of fourteen suns, which I imagine must be very good as far as suns goes. However, ultimately this movie is only for Molly. And if your name just happens to be Molly, it doesn't matter. It's for this Molly specifically.