Thursday, October 7, 2010

Alpha and Omega

Alpha and Omega.

I just took my four year old daughter to a movie all about wolves fucking.

The movie, at least, had the courtesy of giving the most thinly veiled metaphor for sex that I have ever seen. But it was a very weak one and there was no mistaking it. Here's a prime example of a scene in the movie: The male wolves each pair off with the female wolves to Howling Rock, where they howl with one another in the night. The young omega has a crush on the female alpha and says, "Man, I wish I could howl with her." Then as the older wolves return from Howling Rock, one of the wolf females coyly asks her mate, "Was the howling good for you as well?"

So, howling = fucking.

Just in cast that is a little difficult to follow, I'll parse the metaphor for the remainder of the review:

So, basically, the story revolves around a young male omega wolf who has a childhood friend and crush of a female alpha. Apparently, however, the rules of the pack are that the role of the omega is to be comic relief for the pack (seriously) and the alphas hunt and protect the pack. However, rules and tradition forbid omegas and alphas from howling together fucking.

The young cubs are separated for a winter as the young alpha goes to alpha school to learn how to... um... alpha. There are no improv comedy classes for the omegas, however. They just hang around and goof off and crack jokes and ogle the female wolves and talk about how much they want to howl with fuck them.

In spring, the alpha female returns and the omega male sees her and is smitten all over again. He confides in his omega friends how much he wants to howl with fuck his old childhood friend since she's matured. They tell him that he is crazy and that he'll never get to howl with fuck a beautiful alpha girl like her.

Anyhow, there is apparently a food shortage in the valley and the wolf packs are on the verge of starvation. This is despite the fact that there are enough caribou that rush through the valley and almost stampede the hunting pack to death. But anyhow, with the threat of starvation, there is a decision to "unite the packs" and have the male alpha of the east pack howl with fuck the female alpha of the west pack so they can join as one big pack.

Even though the female alpha does sort of have feelings for her omega childhood friend, she knows her role and decides to go to Howling Fucking Rock with the other pack's alpha to howl with fuck him to join the tribes. Besides, he's strong and powerful and handsome, so she realizes that it could be worse and isn't too distraught about her duty.

Well, the pair arrive at Howling Fucking Rock and begin to howl fuck. Well, part way through the howling fucking, she realizes that he is terrible at it. Despite his strength and good looks, the male alpha cannot howl fuck for shit. So, the female alpha awkwardly excuses herself for a moment, telling the male alpha to "keep yourself ready to howl fuck, I'll be back in a minute." However, she flees, leaving the male alpha on Howling Fucking Rock by himself, keeping himself primed for her return.

When she flees, she runs into the omega wolf, who senses something is wrong because "no one leaves ten minutes into a good howl fuck." At this point park rangers shoot them both with tranquilizers and relocate them from Canada to Idaho. They are set free in a park in hopes that they will repopulate the wolf population in the park.

The omega wolf is fine with the idea of settling down and howling fucking out a few cubs with the alpha, but she needs to return to the pack. It is her duty to unite the packs and howl with fuck the other pack's male alpha no matter how off-key small he is.

So the pair start their journey back to their packs.

Meanwhile, the disappearance of the female alpha causes political problems and the packs are about the go at war with one another, because apparently they cannot get along unless the male alpha gets howled fucked.

To appease tension, the alpha female's sister, an omega, spends time with the male alpha. They soon fall in love and decide to secretly howl together fuck. However, she also realizes how bad he is at it, but slowly teaches him how to howl fuck better, by taking his time and relaxing, so he doesn't howl off-key suffer from premature ejaculation anymore.

Meanwhile, hitching a ride on the train back, the alpha female and omega male are high on the adrenaline of their adventures and decide to howl together fuck. He actually urges her to join him in this forbidden howling fucking, by telling her, "Come on, let yourself go with the moment. It can be a one-time thing." So the two of them howl fuck on the train ride back to Canada.

Back in Canada, the male alpha and female omega's howling fucking has been discovered and it causes an uproar. The packs are about to go to war when the alpha female and omega male return. She agrees to howl with fuck the male alpha to make peace between the packs. Her sister is heartbroken, and even the male alpha wants to be with the sister, but recognizes his duty.

So both packs gather to watch the two alphas howl together fuck to unite the tribes. But at the last moment, the female alpha declares her love for the omega male and the alpha male declares his love for the omega female. Everyone decides to just say fuck howl it to tradition and just go with it.

The end.

Oh, I forgot the mention the minor characters introduced in the two vegetarian hippie omega females. They had minor roles and wore flowers in their hair and it was implied that the two girls howled together on their own. The end of the movie had one of the other omega males who liked these hippie wolves with his paws around each of them, implying that the three have started howling together while the others were out having their adventure. So I guess ultimately, he won.

Anyhow, creepy metaphors aside, this is a bad movie. It's not fun bad, just boring bad. The howling/sex metaphor really makes the movie seem a lot more interesting than it really was.

Molly: (As usual, I will be transcribing as much as I can from what she says. We're at my computer and I'll be typing up what we are saying as we speak, then I'll go back and format it afterward. Her review will be in a Q&A form due to her age. She's sitting on next to my computer as we do this.) 

Chuckie: What did you think about the movie, Alpha and Omega?
Molly: I liked when they got married.

Chuckie: Spoilers don't mean a thing to you, do they?
Molly: Nope.

Chuckie: What was the movie about?
Molly: Wolves.

Chuckie: Yes, but what about them?
Molly: Um. The bad wolves come.

Chuckie: Why did they come?
Molly: Because they wanted to steal the valley for themself. And the boy and girl went to Idaho.

Chuckie: Why did they go to Idaho?
Molly: 'Cause they thought they was too much wolves there and there was. So the ranger shooted them with medicine and put them in Idaho.

Chuckie: Did the Alpha girl and Omega boy wolves like each other?
Molly: Yes, but it was their rules that they couldn't get married.

Chuckie: What did you think about all of the howling in the movie?
Molly: I like when the boy and girl singed together by howling.

Chuckie: Do you know what a metaphor is?
Molly: No.
Chuckie: Good.
Molly: Why?
Chuckie: There were a few metaphors in the movie.
Molly: What is that?
Chuckie: It's when something means something else.
Molly: Oh.

Chuckie: What was your favorite part of the movie?
Molly: Um, when they howled together. (She howls.) Like the wolves that were howling after Bilbo.
Chuckie: Well, they were wargs, Pixie. And their howling meant something completely different.
Molly: Like howling monkeys?
Chuckie: No. Nothing like howling monkeys.

Chuckie: You wore your 3-D glasses more in this movie, why?
Molly: Because it wasn't bad. The wolves weren't bad ones and I only taked them off when the wolf was jumping at me so he'd stay in the movie and not get me.

Chuckie: Were there any parts that you didn't like?
Molly: Um, no. I liked it all.

Chuckie: What age do you think this movie is best for?
Molly: Four year olds and five year olds and three year olds and two year olds and one year olds and sixty year olds and six hundred year olds.

Chuckie: How do you want to rate this movie?
Molly: Um, sixty hundred stars.

Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of stars.
Chuckie: Stars?
Molly: Mm-hm. Out of that.

Chuckie: Okay.
Molly: And one moon, Daddy, so the wolves can howl. (She howls.) Daddy, I think a werewolf must have bit me because I'm howling a lot now. I really am.
Chuckie: Well, do you remember any werewolves biting you?
Molly: (Thinks for a moment.) Um, no
Chuckie: Then you're probably fine.

Chuckie: Who do you think would like this movie?
Molly: Ellen. And, um, does Mike like wolves?
Chuckie: I don't know, Sweetie. Maybe.
Molly: Well, if him does, then he'll like it.

Chuckie: Anything else you want to say about the movie?
Molly: (She howls.)

So, that's our review. Despite the fact that it was titled "Alpha and Omega", I knew to expect wolves and not Revelations Jesus or anything, but I really wasn't expecting cartoon wolf porn. The animation was rather poor as well, kind of a crappy generic computer animation, and it looked a hundred times worse coming in after seeing Legend of the Guardians the day before.

I give it a half star out of five stars. The only reason why it got that much was because the obvious metaphor was rather amusing in some weird, perverse way. I'm definitely not a prude and have no problems about talking sex with my daughter. However, I think I would have rathered a better context than in the middle of a crappy movie, having my daughter turn to me and ask, "Daddy, why aren't they letting them two howl together because they really want to, but those guys said no?"
Molly gives it sixty hundred stars out of one star and one moon for the wolves to howl at. She enjoyed the less intense 3-D of this movie more than other films and her favorite parts were all the howling. Hopefully that's because she didn't get the metaphor.

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