I just took my four year old daughter to a movie all about wolves fucking.
The movie, at least, had the courtesy of giving the most thinly veiled metaphor for sex that I have ever seen. But it was a very weak one and there was no mistaking it. Here's a prime example of a scene in the movie: The male wolves each pair off with the female wolves to Howling Rock, where they howl with one another in the night. The young omega has a crush on the female alpha and says, "Man, I wish I could howl with her." Then as the older wolves return from Howling Rock, one of the wolf females coyly asks her mate, "Was the howling good for you as well?"
So, howling = fucking.
Just in cast that is a little difficult to follow, I'll parse the metaphor for the remainder of the review:
So, basically, the story revolves around a young male omega wolf who has a childhood friend and crush of a female alpha. Apparently, however, the rules of the pack are that the role of the omega is to be comic relief for the pack (seriously) and the alphas hunt and protect the pack. However, rules and tradition forbid omegas and alphas from
The young cubs are separated for a winter as the young alpha goes to alpha school to learn how to... um... alpha. There are no improv comedy classes for the omegas, however. They just hang around and goof off and crack jokes and ogle the female wolves and talk about how much they want to
In spring, the alpha female returns and the omega male sees her and is smitten all over again. He confides in his omega friends how much he wants to
Anyhow, there is apparently a food shortage in the valley and the wolf packs are on the verge of starvation. This is despite the fact that there are enough caribou that rush through the valley and almost stampede the hunting pack to death. But anyhow, with the threat of starvation, there is a decision to "unite the packs" and have the male alpha of the east pack
Even though the female alpha does sort of have feelings for her omega childhood friend, she knows her role and decides to go to
Well, the pair arrive at
When she flees, she runs into the omega wolf, who senses something is wrong because "no one leaves ten minutes into a good
The omega wolf is fine with the idea of settling down and
So the pair start their journey back to their packs.
Meanwhile, the disappearance of the female alpha causes political problems and the packs are about the go at war with one another, because apparently they cannot get along unless the male alpha gets
To appease tension, the alpha female's sister, an omega, spends time with the male alpha. They soon fall in love and decide to secretly
Meanwhile, hitching a ride on the train back, the alpha female and omega male are high on the adrenaline of their adventures and decide to
Back in Canada, the male alpha and female omega's
So both packs gather to watch the two alphas
Oh, I forgot the mention the minor characters introduced in the two vegetarian hippie omega females. They had minor roles and wore flowers in their hair and it was implied that the two girls howled together on their own. The end of the movie had one of the other omega males who liked these hippie wolves with his paws around each of them, implying that the three have started howling together while the others were out having their adventure. So I guess ultimately, he won.
Anyhow, creepy metaphors aside, this is a bad movie. It's not fun bad, just boring bad. The howling/sex metaphor really makes the movie seem a lot more interesting than it really was.
Molly: (As usual, I will be transcribing as much as I can from what she says. We're at my computer and I'll be typing up what we are saying as we speak, then I'll go back and format it afterward. Her review will be in a Q&A form due to her age. She's sitting on next to my computer as we do this.)
Chuckie: What did you think about the movie, Alpha and Omega?
Molly: I liked when they got married.
Chuckie: Spoilers don't mean a thing to you, do they?
Chuckie: What was the movie about?
Chuckie: Yes, but what about them?
Molly: Um. The bad wolves come.
Chuckie: Why did they come?
Molly: Because they wanted to steal the valley for themself. And the boy and girl went to Idaho.
Chuckie: Why did they go to Idaho?
Molly: 'Cause they thought they was too much wolves there and there was. So the ranger shooted them with medicine and put them in Idaho.
Chuckie: Did the Alpha girl and Omega boy wolves like each other?
Molly: Yes, but it was their rules that they couldn't get married.
Chuckie: What did you think about all of the howling in the movie?
Molly: I like when the boy and girl singed together by howling.
Chuckie: Do you know what a metaphor is?
Chuckie: There were a few metaphors in the movie.
Molly: What is that?
Chuckie: It's when something means something else.
Chuckie: What was your favorite part of the movie?
Molly: Um, when they howled together. (She howls.) Like the wolves that were howling after Bilbo.
Chuckie: Well, they were wargs, Pixie. And their howling meant something completely different.
Molly: Like howling monkeys?
Chuckie: No. Nothing like howling monkeys.
Chuckie: You wore your 3-D glasses more in this movie, why?
Molly: Because it wasn't bad. The wolves weren't bad ones and I only taked them off when the wolf was jumping at me so he'd stay in the movie and not get me.
Chuckie: Were there any parts that you didn't like?
Molly: Um, no. I liked it all.
Chuckie: What age do you think this movie is best for?
Molly: Four year olds and five year olds and three year olds and two year olds and one year olds and sixty year olds and six hundred year olds.
Chuckie: How do you want to rate this movie?
Molly: Um, sixty hundred stars.
Chuckie: Out of how many?
Molly: Out of stars.
Molly: Mm-hm. Out of that.
Molly: And one moon, Daddy, so the wolves can howl. (She howls.) Daddy, I think a werewolf must have bit me because I'm howling a lot now. I really am.
Chuckie: Well, do you remember any werewolves biting you?
Molly: (Thinks for a moment.) Um, no
Chuckie: Then you're probably fine.
Chuckie: Who do you think would like this movie?
Molly: Ellen. And, um, does Mike like wolves?
Chuckie: I don't know, Sweetie. Maybe.
Molly: Well, if him does, then he'll like it.
Chuckie: Anything else you want to say about the movie?
Molly: (She howls.)
So, that's our review. Despite the fact that it was titled "Alpha and Omega", I knew to expect wolves and not Revelations Jesus or anything, but I really wasn't expecting cartoon wolf porn. The animation was rather poor as well, kind of a crappy generic computer animation, and it looked a hundred times worse coming in after seeing Legend of the Guardians the day before.
I give it a half star out of five stars. The only reason why it got that much was because the obvious metaphor was rather amusing in some weird, perverse way. I'm definitely not a prude and have no problems about talking sex with my daughter. However, I think I would have rathered a better context than in the middle of a crappy movie, having my daughter turn to me and ask, "Daddy, why aren't they letting them two howl together because they really want to, but those guys said no?"
Molly gives it sixty hundred stars out of one star and one moon for the wolves to howl at. She enjoyed the less intense 3-D of this movie more than other films and her favorite parts were all the howling. Hopefully that's because she didn't get the metaphor.